Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition
by Duwee Davis II
Summary: There's fun to be had in the outside world! Or at least that's what Dawitsu has convinced Sakuya and Patchouli to think. Dawitsu wants to introduce his new friends to a special Outside World festival. Sequel to Touhou Doujin: Dawitsu's Folly
1. 1: Hole in the Wall

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 1: Hole in the Wall**

_Dawitsu Mansion, December 16th, early morning_

Ran was finding it difficult to sleep. If she was living with Yukari, she wouldn't have even had the privilege to stay in bed this late, but her instincts were telling her to reject this privilege.

She eventually allowed worry to force her out of bed. Upon entering the Kitchen, she found none other than Chen stirring a pan containing something brown. It smelled like a rare outside world treat- Chocolate Pudding.

"Chen, what are you doing awake?"

"Making Chocolate Pudding."

"It's four o'clock in the morning..." Ran said after looking at the nearest clock, "Why on earth are you making chocolate pudding?"

"Because I've... uh... lost control of my life." Chen mumbled uncertainly.

"Okay, what's going on. Stop being strange, Chen. I'm your mistress, remember." Ran stopped and listened. There was a sound coming from... somewhere.

Behind a keg of ale in the corner, Dawitsu was sniggering. "Heh, I can't believe Chen pulled it off. It's a shame Ran doesn't get it at all..." he said to himself, almost as if he wanted to give himself away.

Ran moved the barrel Dawitsu was hiding behind, and asked, "Master, what are you doing here, at this time, awake? It's not... like masters to awake before Shikigami."

"Oh, I guess I'll have to tell you... I got Yutaka to make all the clocks in the Mansion appear to say it's Four O'clock, and got Chen to make chocolate pudding and say those lines. You played along just as I expected, Ran..."

"What? Why?"

"Just a little prank. A anti-climatic opening to the next chapter of our lives!"

"Master, that's... oh, why do I feel the urge to question you far more than I felt the urge to question Yukari?"

"Because I won't freak out about it. I know what you're gonna ask, though. What was the point? There is none, apart from a bit of fun. Okay, Yutaka, set the clocks back to real-time."

Yutaka entered the kitchen, and said, "I heard it all and did it once Ran questioned you, sir."

"Good Job. Do you know what day it is?"

"What?" Ran asked, knowing an obscure answer would follow.

"December 16th. A morning so cold that if you were to hit the earth with a ice-pick, it would break into nice clean chunks."

Yutaka felt pity for her fellow Shikigami, and said, "That reference is obscure even for people from the outside world. Would I suggest telling Ran your plans for today?"

"Ah, yes. Ran, you, Yutaka and Chen are going to go shopping. Go to the human village, and try to find some clothes that fit you. You need some new ones that don't look like anyone else's."

"But, there's got to be more important jobs to do..."

"There are. But I'm commanding you to chill out, relax and do some shopping with the girls. Okay?"

Ran sighed. "Yes, master."

"Oh, and none of that 'Master' stuff. It makes me feel all... pervy for some reason. Just call me Sir or Boss, or even call me by my Surname if it really bothers you. Now, go!"

Yutaka had already picked up some re-usable bags from the supply closet, and Chen was eating partly-cooked chocolate pudding mix. Ran sighed, waited for Chen to finish licking her 'paws', and walked towards the foyer, and ultimately, the door.

Dawitsu followed his Shikigami into the foyer.

"And one more thing, guys. I'm planning something big, and it involves Sakuya Izayoi and Patchouli Knowledge. Tell them to come here after you're done shopping."

Yutaka smiled her persistent smile, and said, "Ah... oh, we have important work to do, Ran! You too, Chen!" and ruffled Chen's hair as if she was a pet, not a fellow Shikigami.

"Thank you, master... uh, Sir." Ran concluded, and the trio exited the Dawitsu mansion.

_Half an Hour later, Mayohiga_

Yukari Yakumo was searching Mayohiga for new Shikigami, particularly a fox youkai like her old one. She was regretting having ever dealt with the irritatingly British-mannered mimicker that ultimately stole everything she had from her. After coming across the thirty-seventh dog youkai in the day, she finally gave up with a sigh.

"What's the point? Maybe I should just fight them again, but he now has everyone else on his side. One against four is something even I can't pull off... oh, I'll just stop by the Human Village, see what I can eat for five hundred yen."

Yukari Yakumo was just on her way to the food stall at the Human Village market, when she noticed none other than her ex-shikigami... and that Yutaka girl. Even Chen was there, but no sign of Dawitsu. A dark smile covered Yukari's face, and she soon lost interest in buying food.

_Dawitsu Mansion, ten minutes later_

Dawitsu was packing a suitcase in his bedroom, and had just finished getting together all his cosplay outfits (just in case) to put in a polka-dotted case. The doorbell unexpectedly rang, causing Dawitsu to redden and pretend he was never holding a Kyon uniform in his hands.

"Uh... come in, I'll be down in a minute..."

"I kind of let myself in anyway..." Yukari's voice replied, and the absence of a slamming noise made it clear she just teleported in.

Dawitsu panicked, and quickly tried to hide the suitcase, and ran into the nearest lift. Once he entered the foyer, Yukari stared at the Mimicker as if he was the spawn of the devil.

"Look. I don't want to hurt you... wait, what am I talking about, of course I want to hurt you. I'll word it better. I don't want to waste my power on you, so why don't you just give up the fight and give my Shikigami back?"

Dawitsu had no intention of getting into a fight, but he wasn't about to betray Ran by returning her to Yukari.

"Absolutely not."

Yukari slipped into a gap, which reappeared behind Dawitsu. She pressed the end of her parasol at Dawitsu's neck, and slowly threatened, "There are a million ways I can kill you right now, using only this Parasol. I don't have to do this, of course. There are a million _more _ways that I can kill you with my bare hands, and a number bordering a billion other ways I can kill you. I've been nice to you up until now, so tell me one good reason why I should let you live if you won't give me what's rightfully mine?"

Dawitsu had frozen in fear, every malice-lined word had hit him like a boulder. Dawitsu was trying to think of a comeback, but had none. His mind was frantically trying to find a method of self-preservation, until his sub-conscious eventually took over, causing him to spew out the strangest thing possible, given the context.

"You look really young, you know."

"What?" Yukari's grip on her parasol loosened slightly.

Dawitsu didn't quite know what he'd done, but could sense the danger level reducing.

"You look... fantastically young. And not just for an eons-old youkai, but for a human. I can see why everyone thinks you're seventeen, you're at the... uh... peak of your beauty."

Yukari tried her hardest not to smile, and then attempted to intimidatingly say, "Turn around and look me in the eye to say that!"

Dawitsu turned round, shivering slightly from both fear and the coldness of the day. He looked into Yukari's eyes. This only made him more frightened, but he proceeded to repeat what he said a moment ago.

"You... look incredibly young. Like... a model, only with a bit more substance. Those classy clothes make you look like a lady of the manor, but less frumpy. You look wonderful."

Yukari melted slightly. "Do you mean that?"

Dawitsu suddenly noticed the significance of this seemingly meaningless banter. "Uh, yeah, I mean that. You must take great care in yourself to keep that young-looking."

Yukari pointed her Parasol away from Dawitsu. "Tell me more about my beauty..."

_The Human Village, during these events_

Ran was still having difficulty deciding what to wear.

"This Kimono... it just isn't me..."

Yutaka somehow was getting bored of watching Ran put on new clothes, not quite liking them, and then putting them back. Chen had gotten bored ages before Yutaka, however.

"Yutaka, is it okay if I back home and see Dawi?" Chen asked Yutaka.

"Ask your mistress, I don't have any official dominion over you." Yutaka matter-of-factly replied.

"Oh, okay. Ran-sama, is it okay if I go home?"

Ran sighed, "Oh, okay, I guess. Can you take her home, Yutaka? I don't want her getting lost."

"Absolutely, I won't mind at all. After that, I'll stop by the Scarlet Devil Mansion and inform Patchy and Sakuya about our meeting."

So Chen and Yutaka walked through the Forest of Magic, finally getting to Hakurei Shrine. From there, they floated upwards, and Chen looked into the front window of the Dawitsu Mansion.

"Yutaka! Yutaka! Don't open the door!" Chen whispered urgently. She had seen none other than Yukari Yakumo sitting on the foyer sofas while Dawitsu was looking slightly frightened.

Yutaka looked to see what Chen was talking about, and quickly reacted. "Okay, Chen. I'm going to tell you about a secret entrance to the Mansion. We'll end up in the airing cupboard, but we need to be extra quiet."

"Okay." Chen replied.

The two Shikigami sneaked around the Mansion, and entered through a small, grey door that said 'This is not a secret entrance'. It's amazing how many people believed it was a bluff and didn't bother entering that way. Once they got to the airing cupboard, they listened to the conversation.

"So, you're an incompetent imbecile?" Yukari's voice was asking.

"Yes, and you're the most young-looking girl on the planet. B-but not... so young that you're, you know, flat... or anything." Dawitsu awkwardly replied.

"So I'm in my prime?"

"Yes."

"And you're ugly?"

"Yes."

"Oh, forget it. Knowing how sexy I am makes me realize I don't need Shikigami. I guess I should be thanking you, but all you did was state facts. Really I have everything and you have nothing."

Yutaka whispered, "Chen, go into kitchen, I'll follow you."

So the pair of Shikigami moved into the kitchen. Dawitsu caught a glance of his Shikigami in the hallway between the airing cupboard and the kitchen, and couldn't help but show that his attention was drawn from Yukari.

"What are you distracted by? Surely I am the most distracting thing around!"

Dawitsu was appreciating that this gimmick was saving his life, but couldn't help but be tired of this excessive complimenting.

"Sorry, I guess sometimes there are other things than beauty to be distracted by."

"Like what? You looked towards your kitchen, so I'm going there..."

Dawitsu suddenly lost control of his thoughts, and panicked over what to do to keep her away from there.

"IT'S A TRAP!"

"Oh, that was out of nowhere. It was a good film, that film made by George Lucas. One of the best outside-world pieces of fiction ever. You're funny when you're not a total idiot, you know." Yukari teased.

"No, really, it's a trap!" Dawitsu warned, not knowing whether there really was one or not.

Yukari just rolled her eyes and continued walking towards the kitchen. "You know, continuing a joke doesn't always make it funnier, it often just kills it. Anyway, I'll see what this is all about..." but was soon stopped in her talking by Chen hitting her on the head with a frying pan.

Surprisingly, Yukari was knocked out from the blow, and Chen shouted, "I saved you, Dawi!"

Yutaka revealed herself from her hiding spot, and said, "Sorry, I tried signalling to Chen to stop the ambush when I heard you attempting to keep her away from the kitchen. What were you two doing?"

"I was trying to patch things up with Yukari, but it ended just being me complimenting her youthful looks and insulting myself. She seems to like being told she looks young..." Dawitsu explained.

"Oh, I'm sorry that we did this..." 

"It's okay, I needed to get out of that situation somehow. I guess we need to get her some place away from here, fast."

Chen soon volunteered, saying, "I'll take her to the netherworld! I'll make it seem that she just had a bad dream!"

"Good idea, Chen." Dawitsu said, having little faith that Chen could set things up in a way that would trick the Border Youkai.

Chen picked up the unconscious Yukari and sped out of the door. Yutaka sighed and smiled at her Boss.

"You've got to at least appreciate her attitude..." she remarked.

"Yeah, she's a good girl, just a little under-skilled. Have you informed our friends in the Scarlet Devil Mansion yet?"

"No, not yet. I'll get to it straight away!" Yutaka said, with a little salute to her boss.

"You're so cute even when you do funny things like that, you know that, Yutaka?"

Yutaka blushed. "Er... I'll get off now, Boss."

Once she left, Dawitsu grinned smugly. "Gensokyo's so awesome. I can't believe that we'll be leaving it for a while, after all this..."

_Scarlet Devil Mansion, mid-day_

Patchouli Knowledge was doing what she did best- reading. Sakuya was next to her, trying to read over her shoulder, but not quite comprehending the huge amount of complex gibberish that was in the book of how to move things without touching them. Apparently the incantation for moving hedgehogs was 'It's no Juice'.

Sakuya eventually gave up, and asked Patchouli, "What do you think that Yutaka girl's up to?"

"From what I hear she's typing up some sort of Grimoire for her Boss."

"Oh, her boss is making a Grimoire? Strange..."

"Why is it strange?"

"He has no power of his own... just seems a little illogical myself."

Remilia entered the library, and shouted at Sakuya, "Hey! Sakuya! Are you gonna answer the door? That Shikigami girl's at the door, and I can't stand her!"

"Coming!" Sakuya quickly replied.

"Count me in as well..." Patchouli added after a delay.

Yutaka tapped her feet a little as she waited for the residents of the Mansion to get to the door.

Once the door opened, Sakuya asked, "Hello there? What's the matter?"

"Well, the Boss wants to see you..." Yutaka said to both Sakuya and Patchouli.

Sakuya smiled from ear to ear. "He... he... wants to see... me? I... so he... he..."

Yutaka sweat-dropped. "Not you in particular. You and Patchy."

Sakuya blushed, "Uh... of course. I knew that."

Patchouli asked, "So what's the issue?"

"Well, you know that holiday we were all planning? Well, I think we're about to try it now..."

"Oh. Well, we'll have to tell the mistress the situation, won't we?" Sakuya said.

"All we need to say is we'll be gone a while. Nothing more." Patchouli more rationally said.

Sakuya shouted indirectly to Remilia, "Mistress, we're going out. Don't expect us back any time soon..."

Remilia almost instantly appeared at the doorway. "Okay, where the hell are you taking them? I don't care if it's not against their will, you aren't taking my bookworm and my maid that easily... I won't allow it!"

Patchouli proceeded to paralyse her with the same trick she did before, and Remilia fell to the floor in a heap. "Sorry we're taking so long, Yutaka. I'm sure you'll understand. I'll just freeze the younger sister so she doesn't get out again."

Patchouli left, and Sakuya and Yutaka were left awkwardly at the door together.

"So... you and your boss are close, huh?" Sakuya asked.

"Er... yeah."

"Could you put a good word in for me?"

"What?" Yutaka understood what Sakuya had said, just couldn't quite believe it.

"Nothing."

Patchouli returned, and the three set off towards the Dawitsu Mansion, all in anticipation of the big news.

_Dawitsu Mansion, around quarter of an hour later_

During Yutaka's discussions with the residents of the Scarlet Devil Mansion, Ran had returned from the Human Village, without a new outfit, and Chen had returned from the Netherworld, without an unconscious Yukari.

"So, Ran, how did it go?" Dawitsu dreaded to ask.

"There wasn't any which suited me well... I'm not sure why, but they just didn't."

"Oh well, I guess there'll be plenty of time later on to get good clothes. Chen, did you successfully dispose of the uh... trash?" Dawitsu carefully trod on the eggshells that could inform Ran of what Chen did to her former master.

"Yukari's all gone now, Dawi!" Chen replied with no amount of caution.

"Eh... Chen, I didn't want Ran to find out..."

"Find out what?"

"Well, I was sort of discussing things with Yukari but Chen hit her with a frying pan..." Dawitsu stated while trying not to laugh.

Ran was surprisingly unconcerned. "It's okay, it's not like she means anything to me any more..."

Yutaka entered the mansion about this time, and brought in Patchouli and Sakuya as well.

"Here they are! I stopped by to get some supplies, so I took a little longer than expected..." Yutaka explained.

"So, you thinking of having a holiday now, of all times? In the middle of winter?" Patchouli quizzed, not even bothering to say hello.

"Yeah, there's a special festival that almost all the outside world celebrates at this time of year. And, with Yukari unconscious, now's the perfect time to go! The border will be really weak! So, come on, what do you say?"

Patchouli, despite being the one who wanted to see the outside world, was now unsure. But Sakuya wasn't to be put off. "Come on, Patchy! We may never get this opportunity again! I want to see the greater picture, see what people think of our looks, our attitude, and I want to see how outside-worlders look, and what attitude they have!"

Ran, who hadn't been informed of this plan, said, "Hold on, what? You want to go out now? I get it, this is the festival Yukari referred to as 'Christmas', isn't it?"

Dawitsu smiled, "Correct, Ran. We're going to celebrate Christmas in the outside world, experience some true outside-world culture at it's finest! And we'll travel everywhere and anywhere you want to go!"

_The night swiftly descended upon the five, and all the night's time was consumed with preparations. Dawitsu was excited at finally showing some of the girls the place he was born and raised... and was also excited at showing the girls _to_ the outside world._

Author's notes: Argh, so long, I wanna die...

This is the start of a crazy adventure, folks. Outside world + Touhou Characters = Insanity.

This took me... forever.


	2. 2: Stowaways?

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 2: Stowaways?**

_Dawitsu Mansion, December 17th, around Ten anti-meridian_

Patchouli Knowledge was the first to wake up in the Dawitsu household, and decided to spend her time in the library. After going through the Aquarium, Villain Gallery, 'Portal floor', Locria's Level, and the Animé Gallery, Patchouli relaxed and read a book called 'A series of Unfortunate Events: The Bad Beginning.'. Shorty after, Yutaka joined Patchouli.

"Hello, Patchouli! I see you are reading Lemony Snicket's greatest work..." Yutaka called, sitting down beside the Magician.

"Lemony Snicket sounds like a pseudonym. What's his real name?"

"I'm not sure. I bet my Boss knows. He likes to remember insignificant details."

"He could have fooled me. He seems selectively intelligent. This book's cynical and refreshingly self-mocking. It knows it's patronizing the reader, and pokes fun at the fact."

"I like the Series as well. You'll appreciate how the series develops. If you like, you can take the whole set with you on holiday. I'm sure the Boss won't mind."

"Yeah, he definitely won't mind. Your Boss is the most laissez-faire person I've come across."

Yutaka took slight offence to this, "Only on minor issues. If something he cares about is affected, he'll do something about it. You know that, of all people. He even recruited you to help with getting me back here!"

Patchouli mentally forfeited, and knew Yutaka would be too defensive of her master, "Okay, okay... sorry, I didn't mean to insult you."

Meanwhile, in Dawitsu's bedroom, the mimicker himself was finishing getting dressed, and zipped the final suitcase for his journey. He buttoned up his shirt, and put on his wizard's cloak.

Sakuya entered while he was facing away from the door, so when she simply said, "Hey." Dawitsu jumped out of his skin.

"Ah! Don't shock me like that!" Dawitsu proceeded to put on a horrible eastern European accent, and said, "Oh hi, Sakuya."

"Hi there... just wanted to say good morning..." Sakuya said, looking down and away from the Mimicker.

"O... kay..." Dawitsu feared that Sakuya still hadn't got over him yet. "So... you hyped for this holiday?"

Sakuya was overjoyed that he'd provided her with conversation fuel. "Yeah, I am!" Sakuya replied, instantly kicking herself for not thinking of something a bit better to say.

"Good. Have you got everything you need? Clothes? A spare set of knives?"

"I always carry those around with me... don't ask why."

"I wouldn't dream of it." Dawitsu smiled at Sakuya, causing Sakuya to die a little inside. He was staring at her like a buddy, not a lover.

"Okay, I'm going downstairs, but I'll get Ran and Chen up while I'm here..."

"No, it's okay, I'll do that. I have a special way to get everyone where I want them."

"Oh, how's that?"

"Observe." Dawitsu proceeded to get an intercom-type device from his bedside table and pressed a button on it's side. He then spoke into the device, "Message to all Shikigami and Guests, repeat, message to all Shikigami and Guests, please report to the foyer, immediately."

What followed was a tone-for-tone repetition of his speech played over every single one of Dawitsu's yellow speakers. Sakuya was amazed, Dawitsu didn't really care, but over in the library, Patchouli and Yutaka quickly stopped reading, got into the 'Master lift', and started their descent. They were carrying thirteen books between themselves, all of the same series.

Sakuya was dumbfounded. "So you even have devices that mimic?"

"That isn't a mimicker thing... it's an outside world thing. You know that game device I played with you a bit ago?"

"You mean the eggs box?"

Dawitsu grinned wryly, "X-box. Yeah, you know how I played with you at the same time? Well, in the outside world, you can play over an interface called 'the internet', and people use similar speech devices to communicate through the game."

"Why would they want to do that?"

"Well, at first it was so that people could work as a team, but now, I imagine it's just a tool for bullying and stupidity. I'll have to show you an example on holiday. Anyway, I'm going to the foyer, you coming?"

"Of course."

Upon reaching the foyer, Dawitsu decided to make a speech. "Well, we're finally ready! You're gonna lose yourself, in the music, the moments, you're gonna never let it go, you only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow, this opportunity runs once in a lifetime!"

Yutaka stifled laughter while the others blankly stared at the too-sad-to-stop-referencing-pop-culture youkai.

Yutaka asked him, "So, is everything packed?"

"Uh-huh. You need anything to take with you, Ran?"

Ran shook her head.

"You, Chen?"

"Please can I take this cook-book?" Chen asked her master's master.

"Sure. But wouldn't you rather I sang you recipes?" Dawitsu winked at Chen as if trying to re-conjure memories of the insanity relating to cupcakes.

"Well, I like this book, so I'm taking it."

"That's totally fine. I see that you're taking my Lemony Snicket collection along..." Dawitsu continued, talking to Patchouli this time.

"Yes, I like the style of writing. Do you know the name of the writer... you know, his real name?"

"Daniel Handler." Dawitsu instantly replied.

Yutaka leaned over to Patchouli, "I told you he'd know it..."

Patchouli smiled at Yutaka's show of faith. It was nice to know some people actually _like _their commanders.

"I've already asked you, Sakuya... so is that it? In that case, let's go! To the border... and beyond!" Dawitsu finished with a little arm-in-air pose. The entourage just followed him out the door, not remotely amused.

_Hakurei Shrine, during former events_

Reimu was painting a sign for Aya which read 'No smashing through walls- doors are easier to use.'. Just as Reimu decided to place the sign at her door, Aya did just what the sign was advising against.

"Hello, pure and honest Shameimaru, here to deliver the paper!" Aya shouted from her fresh hole in the wall, "How are you, Reimu?"

Reimu held up the sign she had finished painting, and wore an expression indicating she wasn't going to talk to her.

"Oh, sorry... it's like that is it, well I guess that you won't get to read about..." Aya looked out of Reimu's house, and up into the air, and suddenly changed tone, "Reimu! Reimu! Look, the sky!"

Reimu wasn't to be tricked, though. She turned away from Aya and left to get something. Aya was adamant, though.

"Honestly, Reimu! Up above! The sky! Look, now!"

Reimu finally gave up and decided to speak to Aya. "Look, shut up, if you want someone to care, ask Suika. She's your friend, so tell her all about it." she gestured to the unconscious, ever-drunk Oni on the kitchen floor.

Suika suddenly sprang up and said, "Did someone call me... I... I'm hungover... can you get me my sake?"

"You want _more _to drink while you're hungover?" Reimu queried.

"That's the Oni for you. They always drink, just like us Tengu. Anyway, seen as the Moody Miko over here doesn't want to know, do you want to look at the sky?"

"What for?"

"Well, I saw the newcomers floating around outside in the sky..." 

"Oh, that Tengu guy who got in a drinking contest with me?" Suika stopped to hiccough. "He's fun."

"I don't think he's a Tengu..." Reimu remarked, handing Suika her gourde of Sake. "Now, I want to relax today, so Aya... take this Oni off my hands and show her whatever stupid sight you have to show her."

Aya nodded, and walked through the hole she made, and Suika stumbled out with her.

"Look, just up..." Aya's face turned into a confused expression. "Where'd they go? They were flying westbound, and then they just... disappeared."

Suika disapprovingly looked at Aya. "This is one of the reasons Oni don't like Tengu. They lie too much."

"I'm not lying!"

Reimu suddenly clocked on to something as she overheard the conversation.

"Westbound, you say?"

"Yeah, why's that important."

"Well, the border's westbound... you don't think that..." Reimu stopped as she worried.

"Wait, you mean to tell me the Hakurei Border could have let them through? Oh, this could be the scoop of a lifetime! If they can get through, so can I! I'm off!" Aya proceeded to dash at gale force 6 westbound.

Reimu was not remotely interested, but said, "Oh, Suika! Couldn't this be interesting for a drunk such as yourself?"

Suika didn't catch onto the obvious sarcasm, and said, "Yeah, you're right! I'm going right away to see what's going on!" Suika proceeded to run after the Tengu in her stupidly friendly-looking manner, as if unaware that flight would be necessary to overcome the border.

Reimu was dumbfounded for a moment, but then thanked her lucky stars that somehow, Suika was out of the house for a bit.

That said, who would do her shopping now?

_Hakurei Border, during past events_

Dawitsu stared at the massive, slightly bluish wall in front of him. It didn't look solid, more like a hemisphere of water than a border. He slowly reached out his hand, and touched the strange substance. After a few cautious dips, he eventually put his whole hand through.

"It's safe, guys! We can go through!"

Patchouli was understandably cynical, "You've only put your hand in. How do we know from that alone?"

Dawitsu wasn't going to let his pride be attacked, no matter how legitimately it was.

"Hmph! Ye of little faith! Watch, then!" Dawitsu sped straight through the border, leaving ripples at where he went through.

Sakuya asked, "Uh... Dawitsu?"

After a few seconds of silence, a muffled voice resembling Dawitsu's shouted, "Argh! I'm dying! The border's killing me! Argh!"

Yutaka and Sakuya both yelled, "I'll save you!" and dived in after him.

Patchouli, Ran and Chen decided to stay out of it for the time being. On the other side, Dawitsu laughed as Yutaka and Sakuya tumbled into the outside world.

"Ha! I can't believe you fell for that! Sorry, couldn't resist."

Yutaka looked disappointed, and Sakuya walked up to Dawitsu.

"Don't ever scare me like that again!" she shouted, and slapped Dawitsu across the face.

Dawitsu smiled despite the scolding, and said, "Wow, I think of all the people to slap me, yours is the best slap. I kinda dig that..."

Yutaka face-palmed (or face-sleeved, due to her outfit) and said, "Boss, masochism is a frightening concept. Don't develop it, please..."

Dawitsu looked like a petulant child that had been told off. "Alright, sorry guys. Hey, where are the others?"

"Here." Ran said as her, Chen, and Patchouli entered from the border.

Yutaka decided to take control. "Okay, the first thing we need to find out is where in the outside world we are. Okay..."

The six observed their surroundings- it was certainly night, but brighter than Gensokyo's nights. They were somewhere that had lots of artificial lighting, yet at the same time, had trees. Dawitsu soon answered the issue Yutaka brought up.

"Look, Yutaka. We're in the most romantic city in the world..."

Lo and behold, Dawitsu had found a landmark. Not just any landmark either. They were in 'Le Champ de Mars', and none other than the Eiffel Tower was standing in the distance.

Sakuya and Patchouli were silent in awe for the place- there were so many lights, and now this tower- what was it for, who knows?

"Uh... Yutaka, what's that tower for?" Patchouli asked.

"It's merely a work of art, built by Gustav Eiffel. He built it to help celebrate the French Revolution." Yutaka explained.

Dawitsu interrupted his Shikigami, "Yutaka, you're forgetting that these don't know anything of the outside world. Patchouli, we're in the capital city of a country named France. They are renowned for their pacifism, cheese-making and wine-making, despite having a war-waging history..."

Ran was itching to ask Dawitsu a question, but didn't want to kill the mood. "Um... master, the outside world is unaware of the existence of Youkai, right?"

"Correct."

"Then... how will I hide..." Ran turned around to show her tails off more clearly, "...these."

Dawitsu pondered, and then decided, "You shall pretend to be a cosplayer. Did Yukari tell you about the outside-world practise of cosplaying?"

"No..."

"Basically, they're people who dress up as fictional characters. If you just walk around like you're _pretending _to be a fox-woman, no-one will tell the difference. Same with you, Chen. Perhaps we can pass you off as a Cat-woman cosplayer."

Chen was excited. "I can't wait to see more of this place!"

"Well, if you want to do that, first we need a car. Yutaka, is there anything you can transform into a car?"

"What's a car?" Sakuya asked Dawitsu.

Yutaka answered for her boss, "This is a car..." Yutaka picked an acorn off a nearby tree. She then proceeded to transform it into a device with four wheels, a streamlined shape, and cockpit of sorts. To anyone from the outside world, it was a pink Cadillac.

Dawitsu turned red, "Wasn't there any other kinds of car you could have made?"

Yutaka smiled her smile, "Boss, I'm doing this for your own good. Chen and I look rather young, and you look like a human in his twenties. If people see you driving this, they''ll assume you're gay, thus won't be suspicious of you having young, female friends."

"Better than them thinking I'm a lolicon, eh?"

"Exactly."

Patchouli was confused, and wondered out loud, "Why do those two speak in dialogue only they can understand?"

Sakuya replied, "I think we'll just have to deal with this as it comes."

"Okay, girls!" Dawitsu called to the group. "Who wants to help me carry this car towards a road?"

"What's a road?"

Yutaka sighed. "There's going to be a lot of explaining to do, isn't there?"

_A French motorway, half an hour later_

Dawitsu was driving, listening to a thumping techno track while his all-female crew raved in the back. Yutaka was in the passenger seat, while Chen was riding in a side-car.

"This only makes me seem gayer." Dawitsu moaned.

"It's for your own good..." Yutaka chuckled.

"Well, it's going to be one hell of a story when we get back to Gensokyo, isn't it? They won't get enough of this place!"

The boot suddenly opened, and the unwelcome voice of a certain Tengu shouted "Yes, it most certainly will be a good story!"

Dawitsu reacted in the worst way possible, as he screamed, swerved the car off the motorway, crashed it into the side-bars, and sent all the people in the car flying (it was a convertible, after all).

As the incapacitated crew lay on some field at the side of the motorway, the only conscious, but still somewhat incapacitated person around slurred, "What happened? Sorry Aya, was I meant to pop out with you? Why are you all sleeping on the floor? You weirdos..."

Author's Notes: Pink Cadillacs! And a car crash.

Oh dear, I may be hitting the sauce again. Thanks for all the reviews, guys! I didn't expect a three to one review to chapter ratio!


	3. 3: Roadside A and E

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 3: Roadside A and E**

_The side of a French Motorway, early morning of December 18th_

Patchouli Knowledge woke up to the acrid olfactory combination of alcohol and ink. This was far from pleasant, but what shocked her even more was the fact that her back hurt like someone had stuck fifteen needles in the spinal discs.

She opened her eyes, and the first thing she saw was a familiar Oni sitting on a rock, drinking from her trademark Sake bottle. Patchouli slowly arose, and said, "H-hey... what are you doing here?"

"You answer me..." the ever-drunk Oni replied. "Why did you all just decide to sleep on the floor?"

"We didn't. Didn't you feel the impact? That... contraption over there..." Patchouli pointed to the wreck that was once a Cadillac.

"Oh yeah, that twitch from a while back. Yeah, guess that it didn't really phase me... you got any food on you?"

"I don't eat. I'm a magician, it's sort of in my nature to not need sustenance from external objects..." Patchouli's eyes stopped focusing on Suika and started looking at the set of unconscious people.

"Do you think any of them are injured?" Suika asked.

"You've had more time awake to observe, you decide."

"Well, all apart from that human maid seem fine." Suika stated.

Patchouli's eyes darted towards Sakuya's body. She was lying face down, and her grey hair was tainted red.

"Oh! Sakuya! Please, wake up! Wake up!" Patchouli shouted while dashing towards Sakuya.

Ran heard the words 'wake up', and, as if she wasn't injured herself, stood up and asked, "Did you say that, Master?"

Dawitsu, who was half-awake, mumbled, "Stop... calling me master, Ran... it's not... right."

Yutaka was also coming round slowly, but was making indications she was waking up. Aya groaned, and Chen got up just as suddenly as her mistress.

Patchouli found it hard to take in every aspect of these events, and decided to continue shaking Sakuya fruitlessly, despite knowing it wouldn't help.

Yutaka weakly said, "Pa... Patchouli? Are you... awake?"

Patchouli called to Yutaka, "I'm here... Yutaka, can you walk?"

"Yes, I... think so." Yutaka said while crawling towards Patchouli. "Hey, is Sakuya injured? Humans tend to be badly injured in car crashes..." By the time Yutaka got to Sakuya and got a good look, she paused in shock.

"Oh... Boss, wake up..."

Dawitsu murmured, "But school is off today..."

Patchouli grew frustrated. "Get up! This is important."

Suddenly Dawitsu's mind snapped into gear, and he woke up, but stayed lying down. "God... we crashed. What happened? I heard... someone's voice which I didn't expect." 

"That was Aya's fault..." Suika explained, trying to shift the blame.

Aya heard this, and quickly from the floor replied, "Well, he was the one who drove whatever that thing is into this field..."

Yutaka called, "Stop accusing each other! Sakuya's badly injured!"

Dawitsu instantly got up and looked at Sakuya worriedly. "No! Sakuya! This can't be..." He felt her neck for a pulse. There was a faint beat at the jugular vein, but only just.

"Yutaka! Do you know of any way to fix her? Is there any way you can manipulate her body to fix itself?"

"Well, I've tried this with plants, but I've always messed up the vital chemical reactions..." Yutaka looked down in shame.

"No... okay, Yutaka, I need you to be a nurse."

"This is no time to be cosplaying!" Yutaka shouted in disapproval.

Dawitsu sighed, "No, I meant supplying surgical knives to me. Can you form as much of a surgical set as possible?"

Suika looked at Patchouli in confusion. "What are they talking about?"

"I have no idea. I think that humans try to fix fatal injuries in the outside world, and often succeed... perhaps they're doing that?"

Aya sprung upwards, and got out her camera. "Genuine surgery! I thought that Eirin had made that word up, but apparently not!"

Ran and Chen looked at Aya as if to say 'Now is absolutely not the time for this'. Aya didn't pick up on it or didn't care, and carried on taking pictures of Yutaka forming surgical knives and Catgut strings from debris.

Dawitsu observed Sakuya's head. "Okay, Yutaka, I need this shaved so I can see the injury better."

"Don't you need some kind of qualification to do this human-fixing? Yukari told me about Human doctors." Ran asked.

"I did Vet Medicine for a while, so I've fixed major injuries on animals before, but I have never fixed a human." Dawitsu replied, looking down at Sakuya while shaving the hair from the bloodied area, "Fortunately, it looks like the injury's a simple one... but it's causing a lot of blood loss. Yutaka, does this look like a split blood vessel to you?"

Yutaka didn't want to look at the wound, and simply said, "You know better than I do, Sir. If it's split, you'll need Catgut, right?"

"Yes, size three. You made some size three, right?" Dawitsu said, gesturing with his hand as if about to receive the wiry substance.

"Of course, Sir."

Dawitsu looked at Aya in a half-irritated way. "Okay, you want to see some surgery? Get writing, I'll explain it as I go. See this here?"

Aya took a photo of the gaping hole in Sakuya's head, "That is a broken blood vessel. Blood is far more vital to humans than it is to Youkai... with the exception of vampires, of course. I'm going to stitch it up with a biodegradable substance, which I'm sure you heard, is called catgut." 

Chen flinched slightly, "So... is that stuff made of... cat's..."

"No, it's not remotely cat-based. It used to be made of sheep intestine, though. Anyway..." Dawitsu remained silent as he expertly used a clamp and a pair of surgical scissors simultaneously to seal and sow up the vein, "The catgut will disintegrate after about three days, by which time she'll have healed fully. Now, all I need to do is seal up the soft flesh, and of course, the skin."

Dawitsu repeated the procedure twice for each layer of flesh, while Aya took notes and took pictures the entire time. Suika and Chen were arguing about whether alcohol was bad or good, and Ran was intently watching her master in awe.

Finally, the al fresco operation was complete, and Dawitsu proudly said, "Now that she isn't losing so much blood, she'll probably wake up in no time... shame she now has a big bald patch where I worked, though."

Yutaka smiled and congratulated her boss, "Good job... I think Sakuya owes you her life."

Patchouli, who was silent in concern for her friend, suddenly spoke up, "I... Dawitsu... I misjudged you. I thought you had an insane set of priorities, and couldn't cope with crises... but I was wrong. I'm sorry."

Dawitsu shrugged his shoulders, "It's alright, I don't blame you for thinking that way. Quite frankly I do have a messed up set of priorities, and most of the time, I panic in a crisis. I just had to pull it together, because, after all, a life was on the line... hey, Suika, let me borrow some Sake..."

Dawitsu proceeded to take Suika's gourde before she could stop him, and poured the alcohol-rich fluid onto his hands, and sterilised them the best he could, before giving the vessel back to the confused drunk.

Ran signalled to Dawitsu to get his attention. Dawitsu replied, "What is it, Ran?"

Ran murmured, "Can I speak to you alone?"

"Uh... okay." Dawitsu wasn't sure where this was going, but decided to just do what she wanted.

The two walked a good distance from the rest of the group, and walked through the field, which seemed to be for some kind of arable crop. The sky was gradually getting brighter, the sun was nearly set to rise.

"Master, I have made an observation." Ran rather coldly said.

"And what is that?"

"You prefer not to see humans suffer. Isn't this true?"

"Well..." Dawitsu couldn't quite understand the issue. "Yeah, I prefer not to. I did live with humans all through my younger years, and interact with them, and get to know them. Why, is that not how you animal youkai see it?"

"Well, you know how Humans treat animals?"

"Yeah..."

"Well, that's how we see humans. It seems strange to me, but you seem to view animals, humans, and Youkai in the same way. You mentioned you practised Veterinary Medicine... so clearly you would readily save an animal's life just like you saved that human's life..."

"Well, I do, but... I don't get why this is such an issue that you'd want to discuss with me in private..."

"I just wanted to confirm my theory. You are indeed a special case among Youkai..."

"What? I can't be anything special, I'm just a mimicker..."

"...that's not what I meant. Your unique life experience for a Youkai has given you something that doesn't come easily to Youkai... a conscience. You actively regret the misdeeds you have done for no other reason than you feel that you did wrong, but most Youkai only regret actions because they have disadvantaged them in the long run. You... care. It's a wonderful experience having you for a master, Dawitsu. I'm learning so much from your attitude."

Dawitsu had no words to reply to that... he had never heard Ran speak for so long before.

Meanwhile, at the site of the crash, Aya was quizzing Yutaka like the rabid reporter she was.

"So, you have any more knowledge of how human bodies differ from Youkai bodies?" 

"Well, you're a Crow Tengu, right? Well, humans have a slightly different circulatory system to birds, and their hepatic portal vein runs _directly _to the kidneys rather than stopping by at the tail-bone area before-hand..."

Sakuya was hearing a blurred rendition of Yutaka's overly complex answer, and heard several muffled words which probably made as much sense to her now as they would when she was properly awake.

Eventually she opened her eyes, and Patchouli was the first to notice. "Sakuya! You're alright! We were so worried! Your head was severely injured, I thought you were going to die!"

"Huh... I was out a bit longer than the others, huh... guess it's 'cos I'm human..." Sakuya felt the bald patch on her head, and stood up, slightly dazed.

"Not only that!" the now-aware Aya declared, "You were bleeding at a usually fatal rate for humans. But that strange fellow, you know, the guy, he did some outside world practice called 'Surgery' and fixed you all up! You should thank him, but first tell me; How does it feel to be the first human resident of Gensokyo to have Catgut holding their veins together?"

Sakuya decided to take note of Aya's first suggestion, but didn't bother answering her question. She quickly asked Yutaka, "Where is he? I need to see him!"

Chen answered for Yutaka, "Ran-sama and him are going for a walk together. I think they're somewhere over there..." pointing to the dense field of maize.

Sakuya instantly ran towards where Chen was pointing, and shouted, "Dawitsu! Dawitsu!"

Ran, who was still in mid-speech, paused, and continued with, "I think the human is calling you, master."

Dawitsu, who's hearing wasn't quite as good as the fox's, said, "Yeah, I can certainly hear something..."

The calls became clearer... it was Sakuya's voice, and Dawitsu shouted back, "Sakuya! Over here!" and began running towards her voice.

Sakuya responded accordingly, and eventually the two found each other. Dawitsu stopped running at the sight of her, but Sakuya continued to dash towards Dawitsu. She stopped just as she hugged him, and kissed him right on the mouth. Dawitsu squirmed awkwardly as she attempted to continue the somewhat frightening assault of love.

After a while, Dawitsu pulled away from Sakuya, and simply looked at Sakuya in slight embarrassment. "Now, I'm not going to lie, that was... incredible, but come on, Sakuya. I know I just... well, saved your life, but please don't turn yourself into the damsel in distress."

Sakuya was half shocked and half confused, "I don't understand you..."

"The term 'Damsel in Distress' is a literary term referring to females which always need saving and are hopelessly in love with the protagonist, and ultimately turn themselves into some kind of reward for the hero... you're better than that, aren't you?"

Sakuya felt like crying, "I didn't do that because you saved me, I did it because I love you, and because I almost died!"

Dawitsu's face turned from one of confusion to one of pity. "My God... Sakuya, please... you can't be in love with me... I'm a youkai, I can't..." Dawitsu began to tear up.

"You can't... what?" Sakuya was beginning to tear up herself.

"I can't let someone who's going to die before me be with me in that way...why do you think me and Yutaka are such good partners in crime? Because I know that I'll never have to see her age, suffer and die... all humans experience it... I... I can't see you go through..." Dawitsu broke down, and kneeled on the ground.

Sakuya kneeled to meet his level, and said, "It's okay, I won't mind, as long as you love me, I'll die a happy woman..."

"No... no, what humans need more than anything is another human they can grow old together with... someone to share every in and out of human existence with. There are some things I'll never understand about you as a Youkai, so I'm not suitable for you. Anyway, get up, I think Ran's catching up with us..." Dawitsu seemed to recover from his depressing outburst quickly, and stood up once again. Sakuya followed suit but didn't recover quite so well.

Ran, as if on queue, appeared from a thick clump of maize. "I heard every last word of that. This is why you're unique. You are sensitive to issues of other species as if they are your own..."

Dawitsu realized hiding facts from a Shikigami twice his age wasn't the smartest of ideas. "If you say so, I just think it makes me normal..."

"What is the definition of normal?" Ran asked in a philosophical moment.

Not wanting to get into an existential debate, Dawitsu commanded, "Come on, Ran, let's regroup with the others, I'm sure we'll need too discuss how we'll get to where we want to go..."

_So the hapless Dawitsu, the desperate Sakuya, and the overly submissive Ran all returned to the wreckage that they woke up at. The holiday was turning out to be far more unpredictable than Dawitsu had hoped..._

Author's notes: I'm not sure whether or not you guys are liking this romance, but I'm putting it in anyway. I feel slightly... unclean when I write this, though, as Dawitsu is slightly based off of me (but with exaggerated aspects of my personality) so I kind of feel like I'm pairing a fictional character with myself...

But this seems like how the story should roll, but it isn't easy thinking like that. Oh well, at least he's only a semi self-insert, so it's slightly easier to detach one's self from the OC.


	4. 4: The Bayeux Tapestry

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 4: The Bayeux Tapestry**

_The side of a French Motorway, mid-day December 18th_

After resting and stealing plenty of corn from the maize crop beside them, Dawitsu and company decided that it was best to get back to going on holiday.

"Well, I was hoping to go to Bayeux, so that we could see the Bayeux Tapestry, but how are we going to get a car back on the motorway from here?" Dawitsu hopelessly asked Yutaka. "Should we hitch-hike?"

"No... I think I know what we can do..."

Yutaka picked a leaf off a maize plant, and proceeded to form it into a sign. It said 'Voie fermée, garder la gauche pour les ciquante metres', which roughly translates to 'Lane Closed: Keep left for Fifty metres'.

She waited for cars to pass her, and at a time where there were no cars approaching, she placed the sign on the slow lane of the motorway. This caused no dire effects bar temporary congestion, and Yutaka watched her handiwork with pride.

Yutaka returned to the field, and Dawitsu smiled. "This is what you need to develop, Ran. An intuition beyond my own. Think for yourself, and, believe it or not, you'll be a better Shikigami." he somewhat insensitively said to Ran, who dutifully took it on board.

Patchouli asked Yutaka, "So what did you do?"

"I put up an authentic sign that tells the users of the motorway to keep left, and not use the lane we'll need to re-enter on. Now, we can place a new car on the motorway, and re-enter at the slow lane without fears of collision."

Sakuya was sceptical, "And they'll believe it?"

"See for yourself." Dawitsu said, while gesturing towards the slowing, two-laned traffic. "Yutaka has a very good visual memory, remembers exactly what signs look like wherever we visit!"

Yutaka grinned with pride, "Thanks, sir."

Aya asked, "So, can I take photos of those contraptions over there as they slow?"

"Why not, but how are you going to go with us? I think there'll only be room for one or the other in the side-car... Yutaka, can you make side-cars any bigger than two-seater?" Dawitsu answered.

Yutaka sighed, "Not without looking somewhat suspicious."

Suika sprang into action despite looking asleep a second ago. "H-hey! I bagsy the other seat in the side-car! Aya can stay at home, I want to have fun, not write some dumb story!"

Aya was about to shout at the Oni, but soon came to a realization. "Hey! Suika, you were totally selfish just then, but I guess I can just go at wind speed! I'll just follow you guys up above that... place with all the cars."

"Good idea, I guess..." Dawitsu sighed as his attempt to send the irritating tengu home failed.

Yutaka had already formed a new Cadillac during this conversation, this time it was purple, with a cyan neon underside. Dawitsu looked at the somewhat less effeminate vehicle, and said, "What happened to making me look gay?"

"It still will, it'll just be a bit more believable now..." Yutaka replied with a playful smirk.

Dawitsu couldn't help but laugh. "Oh, alright then. Come on, guys, lets get this car onto the hard shoulder..."

"What's a hard shoulder?" Chen asked.

"Um... it's a usually unusable lane for broken down cars and stuff." Dawitsu explained.

After placing the car on the hard shoulder, they all sat at their applicable seats, and Aya stood by the car. "Okay, I'm ready when you are..." she said.

Dawitsu revved the engine. "Squadallah, we're off!" he called, and the car began to move.

_An hour and a half later, on another French Motorway_

"Are we there yet?" Chen asked from the side-car.

"For the ninetieth time, no!" Ran scolded from the back.

Suika nudged Chen, and asked, "Hey, buddy, you want some Sake? It'll make the journey go quicker, or at the very least, make it more fun!"

Chen refused the Oni's somewhat kind offer, and Dawitsu shouted, "Look! The sign! Bayeux is only ten kilometres away!"

He flicked a stick by what seemed to be the steering mechanism, and a clicking sound started up.

"What did you just do?" Patchouli asked, "Is the car malfunctioning?"

"No, I'm just indicating that I'm going to turn. It's important to do that at high speeds. Remember most humans from the outside world can't naturally go at these sorts of speeds, so they need warning before anything sudden."

Dawitsu turned off at the next junction, and they finally reached the historical town of Bayeux. Dawitsu had considerably slowed down in his driving of the car. Just to prove she hadn't lost them, Aya floated downwards, stopping alongside the car. "Hello! So, where are you going to put that cumbersome thing?"

Dawitsu smiled. "A car park. You'll be able to get much clearer pictures of human cars from there- they're all stationary."

But while Aya was talking about taking pictures of cars, passers by noticed the floating woman and began to get their cameras out. Aya stopped floating and shouted, "I'll be with you in a minute!"

All the French people were astounded. A pair of British tourists were feverishly taking pictures of Aya. "Hey! Hey! Do what you did before... you know, float like you did..." the fatter, balder, and more male of the two said.

Aya answered the request with a question, "What's that device?" Aya pointed at the silver, digital camera the other tourist, a woman, was holding, "It looks just like my camera... but smaller. Can I look at it?"

"Um... it's just a camera. I think your trick is far more amazing. How did you do that anyway?" the woman asked.

"Oh, that... wow, I thought most humans could do that one way or another. Don't you have a broom to ride, or have any power whatsoever? It's no big deal..."

"It really is!" the man shouted.

"Nah... but what you're holding there... I spent ages perfecting my camera, but there you are with one that can flash light to make pictures more favourable! I'm so jealous! How long did you spend on making it?"

"Uh... I didn't make it..."

While Aya continued this back and forth with the tourists on which is more amazing, Dawitsu had parked the car, and walked with his entourage to the _le Musée de la Tapisserie de Bayeux._

"Did you make some money?" Dawitsu asked his able assistant.

"Of course..." Yutaka pulled some fifty Euro notes out of her pocket.

"What are those?" Sakuya asked, staring at the strange pieces of paper.

"Well, you know how the yen is a trading system in Gensokyo... well, the Euro is the trading method employed in certain areas of the outside world." Dawitsu proceeded to take some of the money off of Yutaka, and approached the payment desk.

"Hello, I'd like four adult passes to see the Tapestry, and three child passes." he said, gesturing to Yutaka, Suika and Chen.

The French clerk replied in broken English, "Ah, English? Well... uh, there is English headphone sets on the... uh, is right the dexterous hand? Ah, yes it is, yes, you must take the headphones on the right. And, how old are the children?"

Yutaka smiled, "I'm fifteen."

Chen said, "I'm..." but Yutaka cut in, "She's twelve."

Suika slurred, "And I'm... I'm not sure how old I am..."

Dawitsu sweat-dropped, "Er... I gave her too much wine... I guess us English can't handle the drink over here. She's thirteen."

"Ah, okay, so they are all eligible for the child discount. Good, good! That is fifty and eight Euros, please. I like the costumes, by the way. Very... uh... how is it you say... tasteful. Who's children are they?" Dawitsu handed him sixty Euros while Yutaka planned a response.

Yutaka said, "Well, this is my Aunt Patchouli." gesturing to Patchouli, who blushed slightly. "I'm on holiday with her."

Dawitsu decided to do the explaining for Chen and Suika. "The one dressed as a Cat is my daughter, and the one with too much wine is the Fox-lady's daughter. We're all such good friends, so we go everywhere and take the kids too!"

"Ah, they are adorable! All girls, I see. You shall be walking her down the isle, no? Enjoy your time here." the clerk finished talking, and gave Dawitsu seven passes, and a two-Euro coin.

"Thanks a lot..." Dawitsu said, taking the passes and change.

The crew proceeded to walk into the chamber where the legendary tapestry was being kept. There was a glass wall covering it, and Sakuya couldn't help but ask.

"Why is there that wall there?"

Yutaka answered, "This is a highly valuable piece of history, and they do not want this tapestry to be accidentally destroyed. This is an ancient documentation of the Norman conquest of Britain. You see..."

As they walked and observed the Bayeux tapestry, Yutaka did a job she enjoyed, and acted as a tour guide. The fellow tourists eventually gathered a small crowd to listen to her in depth telling of the tale of the conquest- how Harold swore to give Britain to France over relics he didn't actually know were holy, how William had superior battle strategies, and how Harold ended up dying with one arrow impaling his eye. Of course, she also told every detail in between. Sakuya was getting winks from various passers by, and one tourist was cautiously trying to touch Ran's tails, as if they half knew they weren't imitations.

By the time Yutaka had finished, the audience were half astounded, half exhausted. Yutaka ended with, "...and that's all I know of the Bayeux Tapestry, the creation of the Bayeux Tapestry, and the Norman Conquest. My, I didn't expect so many people to start listening..."

Dawitsu smiled, "That's our Yutaka. Knowledgeable for a young 'un, ain't she?", elbowing a awe-struck man.

"Is she your daughter?" he asked.

"No, she's the woman with purple hair's niece. She's got her eyes," he lied, "But she never opens them at all."

"Oh, I see. So, she's a bookworm?"

"Of course... hey Patchouli! This guy wants to know more about Yutaka!" signalling to Patchouli to just say everything she 'knew' on Yutaka.

"So, that girl's... how old?"

"Fifteen."

"My, she's a one in a million! Say, you're pretty good-looking, too! Guess you must all have good genes, huh? Wish I could be as smart as your niece!"

Patchouli searched for some kind of conversational material, "Yes, she picks up information well, as do I. My... uh, brother is her father. He's a... science teacher, and he has taught her how best to learn from an early age. Yutaka, come here!"

Yutaka, keeping up her act, said, "Yes, Aunt Patchouli?"

"This man wants to hear some more facts..."

The man kindly refused the offer. Meanwhile, the tourist who was attempting to feel Ran's tails had moved on to Chen, and, when he grabbed Chen's tail, was shocked to hear Chen ask, "What are you doing?"

The young man, probably about seventeen, said in a frightened, awkward tone, "Are those... those... things... real? They move about like they are!"

"Of course they are! Why, don't you have..." Chen attempted to continue, but Dawitsu had noticed Chen talking to the guy and interrupted, "Hey! What do you think you're doing with my daughter?"

It wasn't that Dawitsu was genuinely angry, he just didn't want Chen to go and reveal all to this... overly curious bystander.

"Uh... uh... sir... she's your... D-daughter?"

"Yeah, and why did you touch her?"

"It's... those tails! They look so real! What is she?"

Dawitsu laughed, "Oh... those, huh... the latest in cosplay technology. Animatronic kitty-cat tails. Pretty cool, huh? Sorry for misjudging you... it's just that the majority of sex offenders are actually young."

"Oh, of course, I bet as a parent you can never play it too safe."

Suika had found a set of Winos, who were enjoying the company of a fellow drunk, while Sakuya was being harassed by a pair of British Otaku.

"Like, where did you-" a spotty teenager paused to sniff what was quite clearly blood back into his nose, "-get that cool outfit! I need it for my girlfriend!"

His, thinner, slightly less blemished friend, said, "But you don't have a girlfriend..."

"Just give it all away, why don't you?"

Sakuya sighed, "I hand made it..."

The spotty one lost control of his nosebleed, and shouted, "OH MY GOD! An otaku who is not only a greater one than I, but a girl, a super hot one no less!"

The thinner one said, "We should totally add her on Digibutter dot nerr!"

"What's Digibutter dot nerr?" the Maid asked.

All of a sudden, the two geeks paused, and the spotty one asked, "You... are an otaku, right?"

"What's an otaku?"

The acne-ridden Otaku's nose bled even more violently, "You're a... real maid! A French maid! I must keep you as a pet!"

"Wait, hold on a minute..." Sakuya panicked as the two started laughing in a snarky, slightly perverted way. But, lo and behold, Dawitsu appeared with Chen and Ran beside him.

The two Otaku's brains had an overload. "C-c-cosplayers! Like, how are you guys? Who are cosplaying as?"

Dawitsu sternly replied, "None of your business. Speaking of which, what are you doing staring at my wife like that?"

Blood literally poured from the spotty otaku, while the thinner one searched his pockets for tissues to wipe up the mess. "W-w-w...wife?" he stuttered.

"Wife?" Sakuya said with an elevated tone of excitement.

"Now, just run along and we'll pretend this never happened. Come on, Patchouli, Yutaka and Suika, time to leave..."

The crew gathered, and Dawitsu turned from the pair of losers. "Hold on... I recognize who you're cosplaying as! Touhou characters! I'm... so jealous! Your wife really has gotten into the role of Sakuya, hasn't she?" the thinner one shouted.

Dawitsu turned his head to face the two for the last time. "Then which character am I?"

"Uh... I guess you'd have to be Rinnosuke..."

"Wrong... but check out Fanfiction dot Net and you may find the answer..." he then decided to walk away from the two.

On exiting the Museum, the group of seven was suddenly ambushed from behind- by a flash photograph.

"Guess who?" Aya asked.

Patchouli knew, but was slightly blinded by the sudden flash. "What... did you just do?"

Aya explained, "Well, I got into a conversation about cameras with some humans who for some reason, seem to want to be Tengu. Anyway, they thought my ability to fly was amazing, and so I decided to trade them my camera for their camera, so I could use a better camera to take all my pictures on. They said they just want to see what's on my camera, as the angles are probably unique... they certainly know a good reporter when they see one..."

"Wait, hold on..." Dawitsu stopped the Tengu in her hyperactive relaying of her story, "You gave your camera to some humans?"

"Yeah, I didn't think it was a big deal. They lost out overall, I have all my pictures printed at home anyway..."

"YOU GAVE A CAMERA WITH ALL OF GENSOKYO'S ASPECTS ON IT TO PEOPLE FROM THE OUTSIDE WORLD?" Dawitsu screamed at the Tengu.

Aya sweat-dropped. "What's wrong with that?"

"Just in case you didn't know, the humans here are unaware of Gensokyo's existence! The ones who are think it's just a fictitious place!"

"Well, two people won't make a difference, right?"

"The human media in the outside world is more prolific than the tengu media in Gensokyo! And they have photo evidence of such a place existing! You moron! They're gonna find out... every last human will know about Gensokyo!" Dawitsu grabbed his head and started to bob it back and forth.

Suika cut in, "Um... not to support Aya, or anything, but why is it so important that they don't know about Gensokyo? It's not like they want to destroy it or anything, is it?

"Boss, I have to agree with the Oni..." Yutaka added, "I don't think it's that big a deal."

Dawitsu was adamant, "Well, I have a real bad feeling about this... we need to see these two people immediately!"

_Dawitsu was genuinely frightened, while Yutaka and Suika were doing everything they could to stay calm. Patchouli, Ran and Chen were all apathetic, knowing if anything serious like an invasion occurred, they'd be there to protect Gensokyo. Sakuya had something very different on her mind, and couldn't help but reiterate in her mind that Dawitsu referred to her as his wife. Aya was not sure what she'd done wrong..._

Author's notes: Took longer than expected, but not that long. Man, oh man, what a palaver, eh?

So, this is Touhou in the outside world, folks! Mad or what?


	5. 5: Little Oni, Little Pandemonium

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 5: Little Oni, Little Pandemonium**

_Bayeux, December 18th, Seven post meridian_

The gang of lolitas and the single male were sitting at a table for eight in an authentic French restaurant. But unlike in movies from the outside world, genuinely French restaurants aren't always classy.

"So, what food do you want?" Dawitsu asked his friends.

Aya asked, "Is there anything Japanese, like sushi on this menu?"

"Well, the closest thing to raw fish you'll get here is the beef burgers. They say they cook them, but it's an utter lie." Dawitsu answered in a half-irritated tone, still upset about Aya's major blunder.

Yutaka tried to lighten the mood. "I'm going to have Escargot for my starter. I've never had it before, it might be worth a try..."

Sakuya tried to focus on Dawitsu on the opposite side of the table, but was constantly being squashed by Chen and Suika, who were arguing over... something insignificant. Sakuya hadn't cared enough to ask.

Ran was observing the menu. "Master, is it okay if I have... this dish here?", showing Dawitsu the menu and pointing at an item.

The menu read 'Salade César au Poulet'. Dawitsu looked at his harder working Shikigami and sighed.

"Are you sure you don't want something a little more filling? A salad won't give you a lot of energy..."

"I'm not particularly hungry, as I haven't worked up the usual hunger I have."

Chen had stopped fighting with Suika, and was reading a kid's menu upside-down. Although, reading wasn't really the correct word. She was looking at the pictures.

"Dawi, what's this?" Chen asked, placing the menu on the table. It was a familiar sight of battered, malformed chicken.

"Chicken Nuggets and chips. Do you want that?" Dawitsu said, and looked at Chen for a response. She nodded, and after about fifteen minutes, a waiter came by.

The waiter quite clearly couldn't believe he was about to take on a table of eight, a table of eight with cosplayers, none the less. He would go insane if they didn't speak French...

"Hello, waiter!" Dawitsu called. The waiter at once decided he was going to resign after this shift.

"Ah, uh, you are English, yes? What is your order?"

Dawitsu answered first, "Please can I have steak, medium rare, please."

"So, that is, well done?"

"For you, yes."

The waiter couldn't believe that this... maniac with a stupid hat was insulting French cuisine. He bit his lip for the sake of his tip, and asked Yutaka, "And you?"

Yutaka replied, "Escargot for a starter, and... um, a cod fillet for mains."

"Ah, you are adventurous, no? Certainly, Madame. Escargot is the trademark starter of our country!" the waiter liked Yutaka better than the similarly dressed guy sitting next to her. "Madame with the fox costume?"

"Uh... le Salade César au Poulet?"

"Ah, you are trying to speak the language? Good, ma soeur, is that all?" the waiter realized he shouldn't judge the entire group by one poor customer.

"...Yes."

"Ah, do you want to be skinny like the French models? You have the face for it, if you are fine with me saying!"

"Hey, less small talk, waiter." Dawitsu said with an uninterested tone to his voice, but soon shut up as Yutaka kicked him from under the table.

The waiter didn't notice Dawitsu getting punished, but once again let go of the urge to punch him.

"Mademoiselle with the cat costume?"

"This!" Chen shouted, pointing at the Chicken Nuggets meal.

"Ah, right away. Mademoiselle with the horns?"

Suika slurred, "Uh... anything with alcohol in it..."

"Well, the Poulet au sauce vin has the flavour of the wine, but not the alcohol..." the confused waiter suggested.

"Well, that's no good! Oh, I'll just have wine." Suika grumbled.

"No... food?"

"No."

"Uh... okay, what does the reporter woman want?"

Aya smiled at the fact he knew she was a reporter, "Can you make sushi?"

"No, but we have the fish. We've recently started cooking Mahi Mahi fish here, do you want to try that?"

Aya wrote down the name of the fish in her notebook. "Yes, thank you, sir."

"It is my pleasure," the waiter lied, "Mademoiselle in the Matron costume?"

"Anything romantic." Sakuya said in a distant tone.

Dawitsu coughed and spluttered in shock, and the waiter looked at him as if he was the spawn of the devil. Once again, he retained his demeanour, and replied to Sakuya, "So, you are the loving type? Us French knew all about l'amor, I shall get you French-style Carbonara, you shall not regret letting me pick for you!"

Dawitsu stared at Sakuya as if to say, 'Why now, why here of all places?'. Sakuya parried his condemning glare with a slightly sad-looking, kind expression. Dawitsu broke eye contact, and put his head in his hands.

"And, finally, Madame with the purple hair..."

"Ah, yes..." Patchouli said, as if unaware she was being talked to, "...I think I'll order... what's Cuisses de grenouilles?"

"The legs of the frogs."

Dawitsu gagged slightly at the concept. He'd already had to cope with Escargot and a 'romantic' Carbonara, but Frog's legs? Seriously?

Patchouli didn't have such issues with Frog's legs though, and said, "Oh, that sounds interesting. I'll try it..."

The waiter nodded. "Okay, I shall take this order to the cooks. What do you want to drink?"

Everyone bar Suika ordered water, but Suika insisted on getting beer to go with her wine. The waiter walked towards the kitchen, and the waiting game commenced.

"Okay, how about we play a game to pass the time?" Yutaka asked.

"Like what?" Patchouli asked, genuinely interested.

"There's a game the Boss and I play a lot when we're bored..." 

Dawitsu smiled, "Ah, the Spelling Game?"

"Yes, that's it..." Yutaka then cleared her throat, "The spelling game is simple. Call a letter, and add it to the existing sequence of letters. However, the sequence must be part of a word. But if you happen to complete a word in the process, you lose a life. Also, if you call a letter which will make the sequence not part of a word, we can challenge you and cause you to lose a life. We'll all get two each, how about that?"

"I'm not quite getting this..." Suika said.

"Once you start playing, you'll understand."

So the huge group started playing a game intended for groups of three. It was more fun than just two players, though. Patchouli started the round, "Q."

Chen was next, and had no imagination, so just said, "U."

Ran said "O.", Yutaka said "T". Dawitsu was now stuck, there was only two letters he could think of (A and E) both completed a word.

While he was thinking, Sakuya decided to steal his attention, and grabbed his leg from the other side of the table. Instantly Dawitsu screamed, "AH!"

Yutaka laughed, "The letter 'A' finishes a word. Were you thinking of 'Quotation'? It's a shame, because Quota is a word..."

Dawitsu was red, and didn't bother trying to explain he didn't mean to say that... unfortunately just as he realised he could have used 'I' to make 'Quotient'.

"Okay... uh, Aya, your turn."

"X."

Yutaka and Dawitsu both turned to Aya disapprovingly. "That's a cheap move, Aya."

Suika, who was too drunk to know anything more than they were shouting out letters, said, "E."

Sakuya was about to challenge Suika, but then remembered there was a word that started with 'XE'. "N."

Patchouli smiled, knowing where Sakuya was going. "O."

Chen was stuck. "Um... do I get help?"

Ran tried giving her clueless Shikigami some hints. "What is the fear of foreign people, Chen?"

Chen didn't know the answer, but knew most fears ended in 'Phobia'.

"F!"

Yutaka looked puzzled. "I challenge you..."

"Uh... Xeno... Fobia?"

"It's not spelt with an 'F'... unlucky, Chen..."

The game went on for some time, with drinks appearing mid-way through. Eventually food was served on the table.

"Bon Appetite, Monsieur et Madame!" the under-paid waiter finally said after going back and forth to get each of the meals. He popped the cork on Suika's wine bottle, and left for some well earned rest.

"Tuck in, guys!" Dawitsu declared.

The atmosphere became one of 'can't talk, eating', with the exception of Yutaka and Patchouli, who, being magicians, didn't actually need food, so weren't quite so ravenous.

Chen asked Yutaka, "Miss Yutaka, these nuggets of Chicken taste nothing like chicken... but they do taste nice!"

"I'm glad you like it. Humans from the outside world cook all the meat they eat, it's a practice they developed to avoid disease." Yutaka picked a garlic butter-covered snail from it's shell and popped it in her mouth.

"Even sushi?" Aya asked.

"No, they eat that raw, but still prepare it, like they do in Gensokyo."

Sakuya was slowly eating her Carbonara, and couldn't help but feel that it wasn't romantic in any way, shape or form. She looked at Dawitsu, who was trying not to return eye contact, but occasionally did, and almost always would turn away as soon as he noticed.

Sakuya whispered across the table, "Why did you call me your wife before?"

Dawitsu didn't need to hear the obvious message of 'why are you rejecting me now when you didn't before' emanating from the simple question.

"Those freaks were a breed of human known as Otaku. Otaku are social outcasts in the outside world, but most are benign and are genuinely good people. But some, like them, are perverted, and are desperate for... you know..." Dawitsu stopped in awkwardness. 

"No, I don't." Sakuya replied.

"...you know, sex. I'm not sure about them, but they could be desperate enough to try and take you home. I know you can take care of yourself with your knives, but in the outside world diplomacy is the better answer... and if they think I'm your husband, they wouldn't try anything like... you know..." 

"Do you not like saying 'sex' or something?" Sakuya asked, tilting her head slightly. 

"Not really, no." Dawitsu admitted.

Suika had already finished drinking the wine straight from the bottle, and decided to walk around the restaurant. Everyone was so lost in eating or conversation to notice as she walked to the bar.

"Hey, guy! Do you have any alcohol?"

The French bartender said, "Ah, I cannot serve the alcohol to the minors unless the parents consent..."

Suika was insulted, "Who are you calling minor! I may be little, but I can handle my drink! I'm almost one thousand years old!"

The bartender thought she was lying about handling her drink, and that her drunkenness was the source of the absurdly high perceived age.

"I do not believe you..."

"Oh, well, give some Sake on the house and I'll prove that I am a good drinker."

"No, I need to ask your parents." the bartender adamantly said.

"Look, do you want to know who I am?"

"An English girl?"

"No, I'm an Oni, and these horns are the real deal! I'm not a human, I love to drink, and this bottle here has unlimited Sake in it anyway! I only wanted to try something new!"

The bartender had had enough of her seemingly insane ramblings, and called the bar security over.

"Agent de sécurité, s'il vous plaít jeter cette fille á..." the bartender said hopelessly.

"Mon plaisir." the security guard replied, and grabbed Suika. Suika squirmed as he dragged her along the floor.

"Oh, that's it, I'm going to show you what an Oni can do..."

"Ivrogne..." the Security Guard remarked while rolling his eyes. Suika wasn't bluffing, however, and proceeded to swing the Security guard by the hand he was holding her with, and threw him towards the bar. She then threw three explosive shots of some kind towards the immediate area, causing the unsuspecting customers to dive out the way, and scream in terror.

Dawitsu and company heard this just in time as the restaurant exploded around them. Fortunately (for himself) the waiter was serving the group more drinks when the place blew up, and Dawitsu shielded the entire table from harm with some form of bubble shield.

The waiter blankly stared at the wreckage around him after the explosion ended, and then at Dawitsu's entourage. "Juste vous étes quoi?" he spoke, too shocked to speak in English.

Yutaka, more fluent in French than Dawitsu, said, "Aucune de ce qui compte. Tiens..." Yutaka stopped and gave the poor soul one hundred and ten Euros. "...prends cette cent-dix Euros pour votre servíce excellent, et trouver un autre emploi."

The French man started to quiver, but took the money, and then quickly ran away from the scene. Dawitsu ran a quick check to see if everyone was okay, and noticed Suika was missing from the table. Why hadn't he noticed sooner?

"Oh, I'm going to KILL that Oni!" Dawitsu shouted, and got up, walking through the wreckage. The rest followed him, and found Suika, who was posing like she'd won something.

"Ha ha! No-one underestimates the mighty Deva of the mountain!" Suika proudly declared.

"SUIKA!" Dawitsu screamed, "WHY THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT?"

"Do what?" Suika asked in mock confusion.

Dawitsu pulled out a device of some sort from his pocket, "Oh, nothing apart from..." he pressed a button, and it released a high-speed fist-on-a-stick known as the extend-o-glove, punching Suika in the gut and sending her flying to the floor, "...DESTROYING THE FREAKIN' RESTAURANT!"

"Hey, chill out, it's not like anyone cares..." 

"Suika... the outside world has authorities..." Ran explained, "And a policing system. If anyone attacks someone, or destroys their property, it's their job to hold the perpetrator accountable..." 

"I'd like to see them try and punish me!"

No-one could answer back to that. One thing was for sure though. They couldn't stay in France for much longer after this fiasco.

_The group rushed into the purple Cadillac which was parked outside the restaurant's remains, and they sped off towards Calais, and hopefully they'd get to England before anyone noticed that they were the only ones in France that matched the description of 'seven lolitas in strange costumes and a thin guy in a wizard outfit and red hat'._

Author's notes: Told you it'd be madness! Total madness!

What's gonna happen now? Well, wait and see! This is turning out to be really fun to write. Oh, and for those not so well-versed in French, I recommend Google Translate, sorry about that, but really, I can't just make French people speak English all the time, can I?


	6. 6: Rule Britannia!

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 6: Rule Britannia, Britannia rule the waves**

_Calais Port, Eurostar Entrance, December 19th, early morning_

Dawitsu drove his Cadillac into a car park, which, because of the time, was disturbingly empty. It was a car park for the British Channel's quickest crossing, the Eurostar.

"Have you created Passports for these guys yet?" Dawitsu asked.

Yutaka was too busy concentrating, though. The intricate detailing of a British passport is hard to forge, even for someone as adept at changing matter as Yutaka.

"Almost done... Sakuya, how old are you? I may as well use your real date of birth, seen as you're human..."

"I'm... nineteen."

Dawitsu spat... a non-existent drink in disbelief. Now he absolutely knew there was no point in them being together... three hundred and eighteen divided by nineteen is... sixteen and a bit. He was sixteen times her age! What was she thinking going after him?

"Ah, okay, date of birth... thirteenth of August, nineteen ninety two... done! All complete!"

Yutaka proceeded to show the group a set of mostly forged passports. However, Yutaka and Dawitsu's passports were genuine, not quite out of date yet. All the photos were expertly faked, and somehow, Yutaka had made them all look human... in a way.

Aya's photo was sans Tokin, Patchouli had no mob cap, Sakuya didn't have a maid's head-band, Suika was hornless (Yutaka had to use a lot of imagination to pull it off), Chen and Ran didn't have their trademark ears, while Yutaka and Dawitsu simply looked a bit younger, due to how much time had passed since they last updated their passport. Naturally, the dates of birth were fake- Aya was twenty-one, Patchouli was twenty-five, Suika was thirteen, Chen was twelve, Ran was twenty-four, Yutaka was fifteen, and Dawitsu was twenty-three.

Dawitsu inspected the fakes, and then distributed them to each person. "Yutaka did far more than what is immediately apparent, you see, there are several security features on a passport..."

Patchouli interrupted, "Why do we need them in the first place? What is a passport?"

"A proof of identity that says you're allowed to go into certain countries. In this case, a British passport grants you access to Britain and Europe as a citizen, and Asia as a visitor."

"But anyone could fake that, it doesn't look that hard to make by hand..." Sakuya remarked.

Yutaka smiled with pride, "That is what my boss was trying to say before... there are several security features on the passport- the style of writing has to be exactly as shown, there are various patterns which, although easy to draw, on closer inspection, are made of words, mainly Latin or words for numbers. A lot of these features are only visible with magnification, say it's actually rather hard to recreate perfectly."

Sakuya decided that it was best to shut up on matters she quite clearly knew nothing about.

"What about our names? Won't it be suspicious if we go in with our Japanese-sounding names?" Aya asked.

"Nah, they'll think you're a Japanese immigrant who's earned their citizenship... it's how Yutaka got her passport. However, Chen now has a surname." Dawitsu turned his head to Chen, "Chen, is it okay if you pretend to be related to me? You're now Chen Dawitsu. Ran, you're now my sister, got it?"

Ran nodded, "But you have black hair and I have blonde hair... they'll notice straight away that we aren't related."

"Ran, have you heard of recessive genes?"

"No..."

"Well, if it really comes down to it, we'll say our parents were both carriers of the blonde recessive gene, and you happened to be the one to receive that quarter chance of getting blonde hair!"

"...I said I hadn't heard of recessive genes..."

"I know. You don't need to understand it fully." Dawitsu calmly said, hiding the fact he only partially understood genetics himself.

Suika asked as she'd only just looked at her fake passport, "Hey... newcomer's Shikigami, where are my horns?"

"Humans from here think that only other humans exist in this world, no other types of humanoid like Oni. They'll think the horns are a costume..." Yutaka explained. 

"Oh, you could have told me that _before _I blew up the bar. If I knew it was only because they thought I was human, I wouldn't have done it..."

Dawitsu felt like slapping the Oni, but resisted the temptation. "I swear that we did tell you, you just weren't listening."

Yutaka didn't want this to escalate, and tried to move things along. "Boss, would I suggest that we get through security now that we have the passports?" 

"Oh yeah, sorry about that, guess I got sidetracked."

Dawitsu drove his incredibly 'manly' car to the security post, and asked, "Is it okay if we get the next train across the channel?" Dawitsu asked.

The officer, who was English, looked sleep-deprived and hungry. "Uh... well, I guess you're really in advance... the next train's at six AM on the dot, and there's not many people boarding it, so I'll just print you guys some tickets now... don't tell anyone I did this, okay?"

"Oh, thanks a lot, you're too kind..." Dawitsu pulled out huge wads of cash, this time Sterling, from his pocket. "Here you go, it's five hundred and sixty pounds in total, isn't it?"

"Uh... you're paying in cash? Um, well, yeah, it's actually five hundred and fifty two pounds ninety three..."

"Oh, just keep the change as a token of gratitude... oh, and this too..." and gave him a further fifty pounds.

"Are you just... loaded or something?" the man was clearly too tired for manners. "Paying in cash for last-minute fares isn't normal, you know..."

Dawitsu smirked... there wasn't a single thing 'normal' about any of his passengers. He nodded, got his entourage to show the slightly confused officer their 'passports', and proceeded to go to the 'waiting to dock' car park. The time was around five AM, so there was a fair bit of waiting to go. They decided to enter the food and drink facilities to see if there was anything to do... and it was just then that they found two humans they were looking for...

The two humans were a certain fat, bald tourist man, and a slight, old-looking, long-haired tourist woman. They recognized Aya straight away.

"Oh! That floating woman from before! Uh... I'm so impressed with your camera! Where did you take these pictures?" the man asked.

Aya opened her mouth to speak, but Dawitsu got there first, "Uh... the place doesn't exist. We're working on a highly realistic set of adventure films, and create all the effects ourselves, and that was our finest set! We're a strictly 'no-CGI' theatre company, and we employ the greatest and most talented illusionists in the world!" Dawitsu was impressed with his rather elaborate lie.

"Wow... so, what film is it?" the woman asked in awe.

Dawitsu was stumped, and couldn't think a story to further complement his first lie. Yutaka knew that if the tourists were ever to come across Touhou-related content on the internet by chance, they'd recognize the outfits and wonder what the significance of it was.

"Touhou: The live action picture!" Yutaka shouted in a moment of inspiration.

Dawitsu was wondering what Yutaka's reasoning was, but went along with it anyway.

"Yeah, these are our... suits. We need to film in various locations around the world, that's why we were in France before. The woman you came across is playing Aya Shameimaru, the tengu reporter."

Aya didn't know what a live action picture was, but it sounded like a revolution in photography. "It's my honour to take part in an 'Action Picture'!" Aya added unsurely.

"So, you took these pictures on a film camera to prove it wasn't digital effects? Wow, some of these patterns look spectacular... so you're all illusionists? Show us some tricks then..."

Sakuya, who was a genuine illusionist as opposed to, say, a ridiculously powerful youkai, said, "Okay, put an object that you don't mind losing on your head." pointing at the bald, male tourist.

The man put a bar-shaped object with what looked like plastic on it on top of his head. Sakuya paused, looked at the object, and got out a knife. The man almost leapt out of his skin.

"Trust me, it won't hit you. Just stay still and you'll be fine."

The woman asked, "Are you sure you won't hit my husband?"

"I am a master of knife throwing. Observe."

Without warning, she threw the said knife directly above the man's shiny head, impaling the plastic bar and sticking it to the wall behind him, but leaving the man himself unharmed. The woman applauded, and the man let out a deep sigh of relief.

Sakuya walked to the wall, and pulled her knife out of it. It was covered in the remains of the bar-shaped object, which were brown with a sticky yellowish substance. Fragments of nuts could be seen in the yellow.

"What did that object contain?" Sakuya asked, as if she hadn't just thrown a knife over the frightened man's head.

"...Uh, a Snickers bar! I don't mind, that trick was incredible! How'd you do that so well?" he stuttered.

"Oh..." she wiped the knife with her index finger, and put the finger in her mouth, causing Dawitsu to wrestle with his desires a little. "Mm, it's sweet, where can I get one of my own?"

"That vending machine over there..." the woman pointed at a cuboidal machine containing several plastic shapes. Sakuya was about to break a hole in the machine to get to one of the items within it, but Dawitsu said, "I'll get you one, it's okay."

He reached into his pocket and took out a Euro coin. Fortunately, due to this being the Eurostar service station, the machine accepted both Euro and Sterling currency.

"You want a Snickers, right?" Dawitsu pressed buttons on the machine, and Sakuya observed as a bar with a design that said 'Snickers' on it was pushed off the shelf and onto the lower part of the machine. Both Sakuya and Dawitsu kneeled to get the item, and Sakuya smiled at Dawitsu. Dawitsu almost smiled back, but stopped himself just in time and reached into the vendor's lower compartment, and got the chocolate bar out for Sakuya.

"Here you go." he said, handing her the bar while smiling awkwardly.

The tourists were puzzled at why the guy and girl with wizard's cloaks were doing all the talking and demonstration for the group.

"So, how come that girl can't use a vending machine, eh?" the woman half sarcastically remarked.

"Uh..." Dawitsu searched his mind. "She used to be part of a Lithuanian circus troupe. They were sort of like Romany Gypsies, never stayed in one place long enough to use technology like us Brits."

"I see. So, does this film crew have anything else to show us?"

Yutaka answered, "We have many tricks up our..." and proceeded to roll up her long sleeve to reveal a fully formed Jellyfish in a bubble of water, "...sleeves."

The two tourists stared in awe as the tiny jellyfish pulsated in the floating body of water. Yutaka then closed a fist on the globule, and opened it again to reveal a diamond.

"Voile! The best way to show how truly precious life is!" Yutaka said somewhat hypocritically, as she had just created and destroyed a life within a minute.

"...you guys are amazing. I guess you don't want to reveal your secrets, but I'll tell you what, I was fooled!" the man concluded. The time was now half five, so the group said their farewells to the tourists and made their way to the car.

Dawitsu was proud of his Shikigami, and couldn't help but complement her.

"Brilliant job on the excuse, Yutaka... that's one less thing to worry about. Imagine if they showed the pictures to the media moguls in Britain... good thing they were heading home today, eh?"

"It is, isn't it? Almost too good a coincidence, like fate dragged us together..." Yutaka said.

Patchouli remarked, "Well, if it was fate, then Miss Remilia must have lost control of it!"

Patchy was expecting a laugh from those who got the in-joke, but instead received silence.

"Fine, never mind what I said..."

_Twenty minutes later, docking area_

Due to being the second earliest group to board the vessel, there was next to no queue for the group of Holidaying Youkai to wait through. However, they were stuck waiting for the gate to open, and were playing a set of rock-paper-scissors tournaments to pass the time.

Ran seemed to have good intuition, and had won each tournament so far. After the fifth tournament, a disembodied voice announced, "Boarding is about to commence. Please can all passengers enter their vehicles."

"That's our cue!" Dawitsu acknowledged, and revved the engine of the car. The gate lifted, and the lane of cars drove into the huge train. "England, here we come!"

After stopping at the very end of the train, and hearing the safety announcements, the Eurostar finally began its crossing of the British Channel.

"Dawi, where is this thing taking us?" Chen asked in a polite, childish tone.

"To an island nation called 'Britain', home to England, Scotland and Wales. It's where I lived before I came to Gensokyo."

"Oh... so can we see your home-town?"

Dawitsu looked downwards darkly. "Perhaps... maybe not, though."

Yutaka knew the reason why he was apprehensive, and simply said, "Look, let it go, for the sake of Chen... we'll go there, Chen!" Yutaka smiled at the clueless Nekomata.

Ran was puzzled. There was clearly something worrying her master. "Master, is there anything we may need to know?"

"No, nothing." Dawitsu's usually half-cheerful expression was slightly sullen. Even Suika could tell something was the matter, but didn't care enough to remark upon it.

Time passed, and soon Dawitsu and company were asleep as the journey dragged on...

_Thirty Minutes later, approaching the Dover Coastline_

Sakuya woke up, and looked around the rest of car to see the rest of the passengers were still sleeping. She looked at the sleeping Dawitsu. His face when he was asleep was a dissatisfied-looking one, and wasn't particularly attractive. Sakuya sighed, and leaned over to the front. She gently brought her fingers to under his lips, and made a shape of a smile underneath his sad expression. She smiled a little, and then sat back in her seat. Unbeknownst to her, Yutaka wasn't asleep, but her constantly closed eyes and slumped posture had simply given her the appearance of it.

Yutaka decided to have a little fun, and said, "Hey, Sakuya, see what you did there..."

Sakuya sweat-dropped, and blushed heavily, "Gah! I did what?" 

"You know... and you know, I can tell you something about my master..."

Sakuya didn't like the slightly mocking tone of Yutaka's initial line, but was interested in finding something out about her object of affection.

"What is it?" 

"He likes you... really likes you. Check this out..." Yutaka handed Sakuya a copy of 'The Grimoire of Dawitsu', and continued, "Look up the page on 'Sakuya Izayoi'."

Sakuya read silently, and smiled, sweat-dropped, and eventually laughed as she read it. "So he... he... he really does..."

"I should know, I typed up the ramblings as he said them..." Yutaka giggled after she said this, "You know, he loves humans as if they were other Youkai, as do I. He's merely concerned, as am I, about the fact that you are a human and he is a Youkai. Simple, really. I guess it's like the equivalent of Bestiality for him."

"Wow, now that you say it like that I can see why he's pushing me away..."

"I actually sneaked that book along with us just in case you tried any of this... just so you could know why it is you're receiving mixed signals. My boss is terrible with women, I should know, he apparently wanted to date me, but he never made it clear at all... he's just clueless, is all."

Sakuya leaned into the front and hugged Yutaka. "You know your boss better than anyone else... I'm so jealous, I wish I could be in your place..." 

"Trust me, you may stop loving the boss if you knew some of the things I know about him..." Yutaka said with a half-joking smile.

"You've been a real help, you know that?" Sakuya concluded.

Dawitsu mumbled in his sleep, "Yutaka, is that you? Get some sleep while you can, it's not good to deprive yourself..."

Sakuya quickly handed the book to Yutaka, who hide it in the glove compartment. Yutaka laughed, "Yes, sir. I'll sleep at once..."

Eventually the train docked, and the announcement voice declared monotonously, "We have arrived in Devon, please leave the train as quick as possible to prevent inconvenience to other customers."

As soon as possible, Dawitsu drove away from the Eurostar port, and started a journey to... anywhere in England.

"So, where are we going?" Dawitsu asked Yutaka.

"I thought we were going to Beverley to see your home-town..."

"No, if we're going anywhere, we can go to Great Harwood... it's where I last lived."

Yutaka's expression turned stern, "Look, Boss, you'd have to confront this one time or another... we're going to Beverly!"

"I'm driving, and I say we're not!"

Yutaka looked at Sakuya. She said, "Hey Sakuya, freeze time for me, but make sure I can still move..." 

Dawitsu suddenly panicked. "Do not do it!"

Patchouli, for no reason other than it was Yutaka, was on Yutaka's side, and told Sakuya, "_Do_ do it."

"Please, Sakuya, don't..." Dawitsu looked Sakuya in the eyes in an attempt to appeal to her heart. The attempt failed, and Sakuya froze time. Yutaka then changed the Cadillac so that the steering wheel was on her side of the car. She then said, "Restart time again, Sakuya."

Patchouli laughed as Dawitsu wondered how Yutaka was suddenly driving the car. "Oh, you are so dumped!" Dawitsu said while putting at Sakuya.

"We weren't in a relationship anyway..." Sakuya legitimately pointed out.

"Shut up, well now there's no chance!" Dawitsu said in a child-like temper.

Aya, who was in the boot, said in a muffled voice, "Something tells me Dawitsu has a thing for a certain human..."

Suika replied from the side-car, "You only just noticed, Aya? It's..." Suika hiccuped, then continued, "...been obvious since forever..."

Chen decided to join in, "Yeah, Dawi likes maids an awful lot, he won't tell me why..."

Dawitsu was blushing so much that despite the wind from the car's speed, his face was suitably warm. "Er, it's not like that at all! You're all mistaken."

Yutaka grinned, but didn't bother looking at her boss as she was concentrating on getting to Yorkshire, "I guess the secret's out, boss. You brought it on yourself if I'll be honest..."

Dawitsu pouted and folded his arms. Sakuya was suitably convinced from his humiliation that Yutaka was totally correct- he was utterly hopeless with women.

_The journey towards Yorkshire dragged on, and the time didn't exactly fly. While Yutaka was determined to get them to Beverly, Dawitsu was totally against the idea. All the others could do was wonder what kind of thing was waiting for them there..._

Author's Notes: Yutaka can do anything with style! Even defy her master. I love her more than my shameless half self-insert!

So, you guys have any idea what could be waiting for them there? I'll give you a clue... search the Grimoire of Dawitsu and you may get an idea. Little hints to their past are thrown all over the place.

It's a patchy past, that's for sure, but you may be surprised when I write the next chapter what it turns out to be...


	7. 7: The Retribution

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 7: The Retribution**

_Beverly, One Post Meridian, December 19th._

A large building stood on the outskirts of the small town of Beverly, and, despite looking more like a mansion, the place was an aquarium. Anyone doubting it would be quite easily refuted by the Sign saying, 'Tom's aquarium'. Inside the building, lived a young-looking man with dark brown, longer than usual hair, and light hazel eyes.

He was sitting in the large entrance room, waiting in vain for a customer, but the winter was proving a hard time for business, especially running up to Christmas. Perhaps he should've just given up at the end of the autumn and gone Christmas shopping?

As the sign close to the aquarium suggested, he was known by others as 'Tom', and was a well-respected aquatic animal specialist, a conservationist known throughout the country... he had every kind of fish from tropical to Antarctic, Freshwater to Oceanic... like a certain someone else close to him, except he sold them also. He also had other forms of aquatic life, such as Portuguese Men-of-war and Lobsters that were over two hundred years of age.

The door-opening ringer sounded and he stood up to greet the potential customers- hopefully it'd be someone who's looking for a highly exotic, highly expensive type of aquatic life form. When he opened the door, he was shocked to see someone he hadn't seen in a very long time...

Dawitsu was at the door, with a group of young women, looking slightly annoyed. 'Tom' smiled upon seeing the Youkai, and approached to embrace him. Dawitsu tried his best not to, but returned the embrace.

"Matt! Matt! You've finally decided to see me! I haven't heard from you for years, I've missed you so much!" Tomasu _Dawitsu _said, tightening his grip on his brother.

Dawitsu closed his eyes on the other side of the hug, tried not to be emotionally affected, but gave way and replied, "Yeah... I've missed you too..."

The others felt as if they were being overlooked, but Yutaka didn't care. One way or another, she'd forced her Boss to make it right again with his one and only sibling.

"Hello, Tomasu! It's been a while, hasn't it?" Yutaka said, speaking to the younger brother.

Tomasu released his brother and looked at the Shikigami. "Wow, Yutaka Hadekawa... I didn't think you two would still be hanging around with each other... I guess Matt finally learned how to keep friends after all... and who's all these?"

Mateyuu smiled, all former grudges seemingly lifted from his mind. Tom was his only true brother, someone he'd known since birth... he decided to answer, with a renewed, positive air to his voice.

"They're my friends and servants. I'll let them introduce themselves..."

Patchouli Knowledge bowed, and said, "My name's Patchouli Knowledge. I presume you're just as aware of Youkai as your... who are you to Mr Dawitsu?"

"I'm his younger brother, isn't that right?" Tomasu looked at Mateyuu as if he'd aged considerably in the time he'd spent away from him. "Is that a grey hair I see?" he joked.

Dawitsu quickly took to feeling through his hair in worry. Tomasu laughed "Heh, some things never change. He still takes everything seriously as ever! Sorry, Miss Knowledge, you were saying?"

"I was saying that I assume you know well about the existence of Youkai, am I correct?"

"Well, sort of, but I prefer to call them... well, just supernatural types... I'm not some Weeaboo like my brother over there..."

Dawitsu was remembering why he always held grudges towards his brother now...

"Well, however you say it, I'm a magician youkai. It's a strange thing, seeing a Youkai living in the outside world here. Do you mimic things like your brother?"

"No, I'm sort of like Aquaman, I can control fish. I'll show you later." He then gestured to Sakuya, "Anyway, who is this beautiful woman here?"

Sakuya smiled slightly, "So, you have similar tastes in women... I'm Sakuya Izayoi, a human maid..."

Tomasu was impressed... but what was that about similar tastes? Mateyuu looked at his brother in slight disgust and slight envy as he shook her hand and kissed both cheeks as a 'greeting'.

"Customary thing when greeting others here..." Tomasu explained when Sakuya's face denoted that she didn't quite get why he did that.

"Oh, then why did Patchouli miss out, then?" Mateyuu joked.

"Hmm, jealous much?" Tomasu replied, only to be slapped by Sakuya.

"Yeah, Dawitsu's right, why did you only do it to me, you weirdo!"

Tomasu sweat-dropped, and looked towards his brother, "This is the only time I've been called a weirdo but you haven't, eh?"

Dawitsu rolled his eyes, and laughed along with his slightly truthful statement. The conversation between the siblings seemed like friendly banter, but Yutaka was worried that it may become more vicious over time.

Yutaka decided to draw attention from the human maid, "So, Chen, why not introduce yourself?"

Chen skipped up to Tomasu, "Hello, Dawi's brother! So, what were you before you became a youkai?" Chen didn't seem to mind asking such a personal question when it wasn't her master's master.

Tomasu looked at his brother for answers. Mateyuu shrugged his shoulders, and they both said, "No idea. We were born this way."

They then looked at each other grinning, amazed that they said the exact same piece of dialogue.

"Mind meld!" they both shouted, and high-fived each other.

Ran interrupted the only remotely brotherly moment they'd had since their reunion to introduce herself.

"I'm Ran, your brother's second Shikigami."

"Wait, so... Matt, you now have two of those... slave-things?" Tomasu turned to his brother, his face full of disapproval.

Dawitsu looked indignant, and said, "Shikigami and Slaves are two very different things. It's only bad masters who get the two mixed up. She has a better life with me than she did with her old master..."

Ran nodded, "It's true, Dawitsu showed me that being a Shikigami and Slavery are two entirely separate things. He's kind to me, just like how you are probably kind to the fish you control..."

Tomasu shook his head, "Well, I don't like the idea. You know, it's not good for you to be running around after this guy... that goes for you too, Yutaka. I know you two were friends first, but it's no excuse."

Yutaka looked slightly saddened by the condemnatory statement. "Look, Tomasu, I don't want to hear this... we travelled a long way just so we could visit you... please, just try to understand... if not for your brother, for me..."

Tomasu stared at the tiny, not-as-young-as-she-appeared woman, and realised that she was right. Now wasn't the time for arguing. Mateyuu looked to the floor in shame, realising that he too, was in the wrong for adding fuel to the fire.

"Anyway, who are you two?" Tomasu asked, pointing to Aya and Suika, who had waited a good time just to introduce themselves. Perhaps abiding by the more boring parts of Gensokyo Tradition was not the greatest idea when two other parties had a lot to say to each other.

"I'm Aya Shameimaru, ace reporter and great journalist! So this is a real life outside-world aquarium, huh?" Aya said, pulling out a journal and a pen.

"Outside... world?" Tomasu asked.

"I'll tell you later..." Mateyuu told his brother, and gestured towards Suika to introduce herself.

Suika slurred, "I'm Suika Ibuki, the greatest Oni in all the land! I destroyed a bunch of idiots that disagreed with statement, and that's why we're here!"

Dawitsu panicked, "Shut up!" he then gestured to his brother to put his ear to his mouth. He whispered, "She's a Youkai that really likes to drink alcohol, so don't listen to anything that she says, okay?" 

"More than a human teenager?"

"Surprisingly, yes." he replied.

"Oh, okay guys, I'll take you to see my great aquarium, do any of you want some tea before we go?" Tomasu asked.

Patchouli asked, "What kind of tea is it?"

"Yorkshire Brew, of course! The water's so hard here that you can't drink anything else." Tomasu then walked away for a moment, and returned with a cardboard box labelled 'Real Yorkshire Tea', and asked, "So, you want a cup?", offering the box to Patchy.

She took a pyramid-shaped bag out of the box, and was puzzled, "Why is there a bag here? Don't you just add the tea directly?"

Tomasu didn't understand. "Uh, Matt, where do these girls come from? Their accent is weird, and they're not even familiar with teabags? Have you just been using mail-order wives to trick me into thinking you have friends?"

Dawitsu resisted the urge to attack his own flesh and blood, and simply satisfied his brother's curiosity.

"Here's the big secret. Me and Yutaka were spirited away to a place called Gensokyo, a place where... you know that practice of Danmaku I was always working on? Well, that's no big deal over there. Youkai are everywhere, but not in hiding like over here. They don't have as much technology over there, and they mainly drink herbal tea... it's a very Japanese kind of culture, except more... prone to upset. These girls are all from this place... crazy, huh?"

Tomasu was silent for a while. "So... you mean to tell me that... all the time you spent away... wasn't because you fell out with me?"

Dawitsu was in a dilemma. The truth was he had refused to see his brother long before being spirited away, and only recently was actually away from him because he was in Gensokyo. But he didn't want to tell his brother that, not after seeing the way he greeted him... it was like he was a prodigal son to the poor guy.

"Yeah... it wasn't because of that at all..."

"So how did you get away? And why did you bring so many people along?"

"The most powerful Youkai in Gensokyo is Yukari Yakumo. She's a border youkai, which means she controls borders. Now, there's a border between this world and Gensokyo, and she controls it. Actually, there's a shrine maiden who supposedly maintains the border, but she doesn't really do her job on most days. Anyway, Yukari usually keeps this border impenetrable, but she sort of... became incapacitated. And by this point, me and Yutaka had made friends in Gensokyo, and we decided to show them the outside world. So we exited Gensokyo while we could... and got joined by some stowaways..." Dawitsu stopped his long monologue to look at Aya and Suika, "...went to see the Bayeux Tapestry, almost revealed Youkai-kind to a couple of tourists, blew up a restaurant, took the Eurostar, and... well, now we're here."

Tomasu sighed, "Oh well, I don't have much that could interest you compared to that. I simply took the money Dad gave me and invested it in something I could quite easily make a business out of..." he started to walk towards a large door labelled 'Chondrichthyes'.

"I kind of guessed by the sign. You keep fish?"

"And sell them. There are people from all over the world who pay massive amounts of money for certain rare species... I only have to attract a breeding pair of a desirable species with my powers and catch a significant amount of prey species which also contain several breeding pairs, take them here, and keep them. They literally maintain themselves as long as the right type of seaweed is present. So, do you want to see the shark section?"

Sakuya couldn't help but ask, due to the Youkai's obvious passion for sea-life, "So, are you a fan of sushi, Mr... uh, Dawitsu?"

Tomasu laughed, "Eat that pretentious crap? No way! Cooked fish is way better!"

Aya was highly insulted, "Now, look here, there's nothing pretentious about eating sushi!"

"I guess not... in a Japanese culture. It's normal over there. But over here in England, young humans think they're special whenever they think they eat Sushi, as if they're saying 'Look at me! I'm so multicultural! I deserve a 'Yuppie of the year' award!'" Tomasu ranted.

"Is it really like that in the outside world? People think they're special just for eating certain foods?" Patchouli half disbelievingly asked.

"I'm afraid so. I'm sure that in that... Gen-seng place or whatever, they have idiots too..."

Suika laughed, "Ha, that role's taken up by the fairies! But they're not stupid in that way, they like to run into death again and again, that's their problem."

"Fairies? Now, I've come across fellow supernatural people like my Family, but not once have I seen a fairy. What do they look like?"

Chen crouched down, and said, "They're about this big, and they look like little humans with wings!"

Tomasu rubbed his chin. "Just like in a storybook, eh?"

"Exactly. But, you'll be glad to hear, human-like animals like Chen and Ran are all there is to Animal Youkai- no furries." Dawitsu joked. 

"So, you never got see that beautiful Renamon after all?" Tomasu parried, bringing up a long running joke between the two brothers.

"Yeah, sure wished that yellow, freakish thing was around so I could stalk it all day long..." Dawitsu sarcastically replied.

Aya grew impatient, "Look, I want to document as much of the outside world as possible, can I please see this Aquarium of yours! It best be better than the one your brother has..."

"You have an aquarium?" Tomasu asked.

"Only a small one in my Mansion..."

"Ah. Well, Miss... uh... Sham... Shamrock... Eye... Rue... you will see much more here than you will there, trust me."

He opened up the door to the Chondrichthyes section of the aquarium, and showed off one of his many uber-sustainable tanks filled with three types of shark- Tiger Sharks, Great Whites, and Hammerheads. They all occupied slightly different, but overlapping niches, so thus Tomasu had five types of prey species (Mackerel, Cod, Haddock, Sardine, and Pilchard), each at various levels of prolificness depending on how many different species of shark preyed on their species. Tomasu found that the sharks would alter their diets over the year, switching after, say, overeating Mackerel and Cod, then they'd switch to Haddock and Cod until the Cod almost ran out, then go back to eating the replenished Mackerel population and Haddock. The understanding necessary for this went unnoticed by the majority, but Yutaka, a keen observer of habitats, was extremely impressed.

"This is a really well-done job. It's very hard to get an artificial habitat this well done. I presume the sharks switch diets once in a while." Yutaka remarked.

Tomasu was glad someone appreciated it, "Ah, Yutaka, I can see why my brother likes you. You haven't changed a bit... unlike this old fogey over here!"

Dawitsu felt his face for wrinkles, as if he'd actually taken what his brother had said on board. He whispered to Sakuya, "I don't look old, do I?"

"Not in a bad way..." she said with a cheeky edge to her voice.

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Nothing, nothing..."

Tomasu wasn't done though, and proceeded to them the Skate and Ray enclosure, which also had flatfish and crabs living in it. Aya photographed the strange, unknown lifeforms voraciously until Tomasu told her to stop in case the fish went blind. He also showed them how lobsters had unlocked the secret to ancient life, showed some exclusive Antarctic fish specimens only available there, as well as Arctic fish that he had got to coexist with them, despite the fact they'd never meet in the wild.

Overall, the day went rather swimmingly from then on, and eventually, once the clock struck nine, the crew had ended the massive tour. Tomasu wasn't quite as passionate a tour guide as Yutaka, but quite clearly loved talking to people about his hobby.

Dawitsu decided enough was enough for one day, "Okay, Tom, I think we'd better head off and find a hotel to stay at, it's getting late..."

Tomasu was having none of it, though, "No way! After all these years, you're not getting away that easily! You're staying the night, come on, you can't refuse my generosity!"

Mateyuu looked downwards, smiled, and then looked back up at his brother. "Thanks, bro. I'll get Yutaka to make us all beds, we'll sleep by the luminescent jellyfish..."

"Ah, you like them? I had to find them at night, they don't respond to my abilities during the day. I guess even jellyfish succumb to sleep deprivation..."

_So the eight visitor's stayed the night in one of the strangest possible ways in the outside world. Even though Tomasu Dawitsu was nowhere near as odd as his older brother, he was definitely on the eccentric side, even if he himself didn't know it._

Author's Notes: So, another OC. Sick and tired yet? I hope not, but seriously, ever since I mentioned Tomasu in a Typist's Notes section in The Grimoire of Dawitsu, I couldn't help but want to expand on him more. Just like how Dawitsu is slightly based off of me, Tomasu is slightly based off my brother.

However some of his personality is speculation on my part, like I don't know how much he'd actually miss me should I leave him for years... and his power... well he's not actually obsessed with fish at all. It's just that one time, I decided to anime-ise him, and asked what kind of powers he'd have, and he responded by saying 'Fish', because he honestly didn't care, so I decided to incorporate fish into his character here.

Hey, want any more insights into the creative process while I'm here? This author's notes section may as well be immensely long, it's gone this far...


	8. 8: Christmas Shopping and Online Gaming

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 8: Christmas Shopping and Online Gaming**

_Beverly, Tom's Aquarium, December 20th, nine o'clock Anti Meridian_

Tomasu's house was silent in the lower half of the house. The upper half however, where Tomasu's bedroom was, was louder than one would expect from somewhere at nine o'clock on a Saturday.

The Luminescent Jellyfish were beginning to stop pulsating as light entered the tank room through the rather large window. Yutaka was the first to get up, and observed the hydrazoic creatures as they slowed into a relaxed, floating state. The tentacles drifted slowly in the simulated current, and, despite being the only one awake, Yutaka couldn't help but remark, "Even the simplest of life fascinates me..."

Tomasu entered the room, obviously long since up and ready, and spoke to the Shikigami.

"So, you like the Jellyfish? You know that some schools of biologists believe that they never age..."

"Ah, there's a certain medicine expert in Gensokyo who has already found the secret to living forever... I don't think it involved Jellyfish, but then again, I've never asked her about the elixir..." 

"The secret's an elixir?"

"Yeah, one known as the Hourai Elixir. It even works on humans, you know."

"Really? I imagine a human would go insane if they drank it..."

"Well, about that... there's one of those eternal humans living there. Not the most disagreeable woman in the world, but definitely bitter about her eternal life. I guess that we never appreciate what we have, eh?" Yutaka turned to look Tomasu in the eye. "You know, I missed you too. The Boss was in denial about missing you for a while, but I'm glad we're here now. What are your plans for today?"

"Well, I was hoping to buy some Christmas presents for the family. I wish that Grandma would celebrate Christmas, but I guess it means I can show her appreciation some other time of year when it isn't forced upon me."

"Yes, I never liked that aspect of Christmas. Some people of this world pretend to be happy, and spend money they haven't got to falsely show people they care... but don't act the same way throughout the year... it's sad." 

Tomasu was taken aback by the sudden change in mood Yutaka imposed on the conversation, but snapped into mockery mode just in time.

"Scrooge! Bah Humbug, and all that!"

Yutaka looked downwards. "You haven't changed, have you? Serious conversations don't last with you, unless it's about fish." 

"Oh, well... it's just you killed the mood with that depressing line there. I want to have fun shopping..."

Ran, who had long since been awake and listening to the dialogue in silence while lying in her bed, suddenly rose from her rest.

"So, you have the same human-like traits that our master has..." Ran said to Yutaka. "You've had similar experiences as him, though, it makes sense that you would..."

Yutaka turned from the dormant Jellyfish to look at the messed-up haired Ran, and asked, "What do you mean, human-like traits?"

"I think this applies to you also, brother of my master. I think you aren't at all in the mindset of a Youkai, as if there's something remotely special about experience, as despite your species, you have the conscience and empathy that humans pride themselves in having..."

Yutaka was puzzled, as was Tomasu. "Wait, you think we're weird for having a conscience?" Tomasu asked.

"Yes. For a youkai, anyway. Not that strangeness is particularly a good or bad thing, I'm just trying to add up a few things in my head. All three of you highly humanized Youkai seem to be indications that experience can affect more than just thought, but the subconscious." Ran paused, and picked up her hat from the floor so she could put it on, "Just stating the results of my experiment, that is all."

"Why declare the results to the subjects of the test itself?" Yutaka asked.

Ran couldn't answer to that. "I don't know. I guess that a feeling overcame me, like I needed to tell you that you were special..."

Yutaka cocked her head. "Perhaps having empathy is not that strange in Youkai, perhaps you just think it is from your bad experience of other youkai. Because wanting to tell others that they are good people is a step towards being a kind, empathetic person. I think you're trying to make sense of something you're unfamiliar with, and seeing it in a skewed light."

Ran took in the influx of information. "You... you answer far more of my questions than the master does. You like to think about things a lot more than him, don't you..."

Tomasu laughed, "That's Yutaka! She's always been smarter than my brother, I knew it from the moment I met her!"

It was at this point Dawitsu overheard and woke up. Walking in a zombie like fashion towards his brother, he said, "Hey, it's not nice to... degrade your brother like that!"

"But it's true..." Tomasu said.

"Hmph!" Dawitsu folded his arms, and Ran tried to explain.

"Master, I was merely talking about the issue I discussed with you on the field. Yutaka elaborated a lot more on the matter than you did, stated what you may have seen as the obvious things to me. You see, as you merely said you were normal, Yutaka explained why it is that empathy is normal."

Dawitsu growled in a low tone, "Well, fine, I don't explain stuff well! Happy now?"

Yutaka blushed at the immaturity of her boss. "Oh, boss, it isn't a competition..."

Ran walked up to Chen's bed. "Chen, wake up, there's a good girl..."

Chen purred, and slowly came round. Aya twitched as the day got brighter, and sleep-talked, "Latest Scoop: French Cuisine consists of Cow-meat sushi!"

Tomasu asked his brother, "Does that woman do anything but talk or write about her next news story?"

"No, not really."

Suika was hung over, and refused to get out of bed. Patchouli was still pleasantly asleep, as was Sakuya. Tomasu said, "Hey, how about me, you and Yutaka talk about old times and go shopping together?"

"Only if you let me pay. Oh, and let Ran and Chen come along. The others can wait seen as they don't want to get up." Dawitsu looked over the four content, resting young women... all beautiful superficially but with a special lovable quality while asleep.

"But they have... tails, and... animal ears!"

"Well, we'll pretend they're cosplayers! It's no big deal!" Dawitsu offered.

"But I can't go out with a bunch of..." Tomasu was about to say 'geeks', but realised this meant a lot to his brother, and that geekiness wasn't an issue that anyone other than him were concerned about. "Fine, I guess that'll work."

"Oh, and we need to get Ran a new outfit. This time you will find something you like, Ran!"

Ran looked sceptical. "If you say so, master..." 

"Why does she keep calling you 'master' like that? It's like you're some kind of pervy teacher or something..." Tomasu remarked.

"I've tried to get her to stop calling me it, but she doesn't seem to want to..." Dawitsu said in an attempt to justify it.

"Well, I presume we'll get going now..." Yutaka said, and turned to the now up-and-springy Chen, "Chen, you'll get to see a special part of Christmas, Father Christmas!"

Tomasu suddenly felt a twinge of curiosity. "Wait, so these guys aren't familiar with Christmas? How about we have a Christmas Dinner here, when the day comes?"

"Who's Father Christmas?" Chen asked Tomasu.

"Well, he goes by many names. Santa Claus, Chris Kringle, Saint Nick, and many other aliases. He's a mysterious person who drops gifts off at all the good human children's houses at the Eve of Christmas!" Tomasu knew it was best to keep the secret of his non-existence to such a child-like Youkai as Chen.

"Does he stop at Youkai's houses too?"

"I don't know. He somehow makes it through the whole world in one night while delivering presents."

"Maybe he's a Tengu!" Chen proposed as if he was a solid concept.

"Perhaps he is..." Tomasu turned to his brother, whispering "Why is that cat so naïve? Things... aged over one hundred shouldn't be that... kiddie!"

"Look, everyone loses their dreams and gets hit by reality at some point in their life, just leave her to keep hers for as long as possible." Dawitsu whispered back.

Ran could quite clearly tell Father Christmas was more a human legend than a genuine person, but this wasn't picked up on by Chen. She was excited to meet this Father of the festival 'Christmas'.

They left the aquarium as quietly as possible, leaving the four girls to sleep in peace.

_Beverly Town Centre, Ten O'clock_

A light sheet of snow was covering the ungritted areas of Beverly Town Centre, and the five youkai were in the region which had an antique shop, a WH Smiths, and a Greggs bakery. Chen was looking desperately for the elusive tengu of her imagination, while Ran was intently observing human behaviour as people ran to and fro carrying large bags.

"Oh... I haven't been here for years!" Dawitsu sighed in a moment of nostalgia.

"Hmm, it's more or less an everyday sight for me, I go here to shop. It does look good now that the area's all decked up for Christmas, though..." Tomasu replied.

Yutaka asked, "So what were you intending to get the relatives for Christmas?"

"Well, for Mum, a set of Bonsai trees, and for Dad, a cable that does every type of connection possible."

"Oh, so Dad is still as into technology as ever! What's the latest nifty, but ultimately pointless device he's got?" Dawitsu asked.

"Well, he got something which can make a television controllable by an iPod touch last time I saw... I have to agree with you, Dad only gets things which are quite a feat, but have no real use. That's why I'm giving him the ultimate USB cable... he'll love the interconnectivity!" he concluded. "So, you getting us anything while you're here?"

Dawitsu felt the formation of guilt in his throat. "Uh... well, if you put it like that... uh... well, yeah, I may have to split with you part-way through this trip, if you get me. You can't go without a present from me, can you?"

"Fair enough."

_Tom's Aquarium, Eleven O'clock_

Sakuya was only just getting up... the journey must have taken it out on her worse than she thought...

She got out of bed, and walked in a groggy way towards Dawitsu's bed. "Hey Dawi..." but she soon noticed the obvious lack of a person in the bed. "Where are you?"

She searched around the building, through the various enclosures and artificial habitats Tomasu had created, but lo and behold, there was no sign of the man. Sakuya then decided to look upstairs. There was only a single large room up there, labelled 'Tom's room: Stay Out!'. Of course, whenever a sign demands against something, it is human tendency to want to do that certain something. She slowly opened the door, and found... a set of smaller tanks, containing... yet more fish. Also, there was a device that Sakuya recognized from a time she spent with Dawitsu... what he called an 'Xbox 360'. There was also the device coupled with it known as the 'Television'.

She decided that she felt like playing with it, as it was clear that she wasn't finding Dawitsu any time soon, and turned it on the way Dawitsu showed her. When it booted up, it loaded the only game she was familiar with (fortunate coincidence, really), 'Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2'. She noticed the controller had some sort of device that looked like it should have been worn on the ears. She decided to do just that, and selected the option 'Multiplayer'.

Sakuya had forgotten what mode to pick after that... Dawitsu did something to make there be more than one player... but where was the option? She decided to pick 'Xbox Live' for reasons she couldn't quite figure out. Then she picked 'Team Death-match'. Who knows, it could be fun, even without Dawitsu playing with her.

Soon, seventeen rectangles which were blank filled themselves with names. One rectangle, which was never blank, read 'Dowee856'. Just what that meant was anyone's guess. Sakuya just hoped throwing knives were turned on. After a short delay, voices began to fill Sakuya's ear, and after recoiling in shock she realized they were coming from the device on her ear... this must have been the communication network Dawitsu told her about!

"Uh... hello? Is this a team game? Can I communicate with you people?" Sakuya asked as a sort of 'testing' speech.

The fevered talking between the various testosterone-filled voices stopped momentarily, until one particularly brash-sounding voice said, "Do my ears deceive me... is that... a girl?"

"Oh my god, it is a girl!" another voice said.

"What's the big deal? To me, it's more surprising you're all guys..." Sakuya replied.

"Oh, I get it! She's a noob, and she doesn't get Cod at all!" one more guy said.

"What has fish got to do with anything?" Sakuya asked.

Seemingly all seventeen other players burst into laughter, however it would seem one person actually took time to look at 'Dowee856' in the stats section, as one person said, "Hold on, guys. She's a prestige, give her credit."

"Pff! Her boyfriends probably a prestige, she'll suck!"

"I'll suck what?" Sakuya asked.

The more depraved of the gamers either gagged with laughter or got a whole lot strained in their tone of voice.

"Nothing, girl." one of her to-be team-mates said. "Enjoy the game, ignore those douchebags."

The game started, and Sakuya had to pick a class. She picked a FAMAS using class, which had throwing knives as her throwing weapon, and scavenger as one of her perks. She was adapting fairly well to the game, and her kill-death ratio was about one to one.

"Hey, girl! Watch out behind you! Two guys are gonna double-team you!" the only non-sexist team member warned Sakuya.

"Heh, three-way, lol..." a high-pitched person giggled.

"Is 'lol' even a word?" Sakuya asked, turning around in-game and knifing one of the opponents, but got killed by the other.

"Wow, Dawitsu really was going easy on me..." Sakuya said as she watched a kill-cam of her death.

"That's what _she _said!" the high-pitched kid retorted.

"Um, the Dawitsu I referred to is male..." Sakuya explained to what she though was a confused child.

"Ignore those morons! Concentrate on the game!" the non-sexist member encouraged.

Sakuya didn't quite get what was going on, or why the players seemed to think her playing was a special event, but continued to play anyway. It was about this time the rest of the residents in the aquarium started to wake up...

_Beverly Town Centre, One Post Meridian_

Ran was in a changing room in Debenhams, trying on the latest outfit she had chosen- a frilly, yet stylish winter coat with warm tights and a typical red feminine-looking dress underneath the coat. Tomasu and Mateyuu Dawitsu were waiting outside the changing rooms while Yutaka and Chen were looking at clothes for themselves.

Tomasu asked Dawitsu, "Do you ever wonder what these Animal Youkai look like naked? Like, is it a combination of human and animal under those clothes or whatever?"

Dawitsu reddened, "Uh... I don't really think about those sorts of things. I ain't gonna be seeing that any time soon, so I don't really worry about finding out."

"So, you won't be finding out _soon_, but you haven't exactly said you won't... just what is it those Shikigami do for you anyway?" Tomasu leaned right up to his brother, making him feel uncomfortable. "_Favours_, by any chance?"

"Of course not, you know that's not true!" Dawitsu defensively stuttered.

Yutaka and Chen decided to go back to where Ran was getting changed, and Chen asked upon arrival, "Hey, Dawi! What are you and your brother talking about?"

Both Tomasu and Dawitsu turned crimson, "Uh... never you mind!" Dawitsu answered.

"Uh, yeah, boy stuff!" Tomasu added.

Yutaka laughed, and said to Chen, "You mustn't pry into a man's private issues. You won't like what you find."

Chen scratched her head, and soon forgot about the whole event. "So, when can I see Father Christmas?"

Dawitsu was about to say 'When Ran is finished trying on this suit', but at that point, Ran had left the changing room. "I really like these clothes..." Ran said, with little enthusiasm, but a smile which indicated contentment.

"So, do you want me to buy them?" Dawitsu asked.

"Yes, please. Thank you, master."

"No more of that 'master' stuff, remember?"

"Sorry, m... er, Boss..."

So Dawitsu paid for Ran's new outfit, and they went to the top floor of the department store, where all the kid's toys were. There was none other than a white-bearded, red-clothed, plump man sitting on a chair with the sign 'Come see Father Christmas here!' next to him.

Protruding from the chair was a huge line of excited children, with their irritated parents standing by them. The five joined the queue, knowing it was going be a while...

After half an hour, it was finally Chen's turn.

"Hello, mister Christmas! I'm very excited to meet you! So, how do you plan to get around the world in as little time as possible? Is there a method?"

The obvious fake came up with an excuse, "Well, the reindeer fly very quickly, and make my life a lot easier!"

"Are you a tengu? If you are, then you don't need reindeer youkai to help you get around? Maybe your reindeer are reindeer tengu?"

Dawitsu and Yutaka looked at each other and sweat-dropped.

"Just... what are these things called Tengu?" 'Father Christmas' asked.

"They're people that go very very fast! Wait, if you haven't heard of them, maybe you're a really talented human!"

The stares from the families waiting behind them were boring into the fake Santa's eyes.

"Oh ho ho, sit on my lap, young one, and tell me what you want for Christmas!"

"Oh, I get to get a present even though I'm a cat? Thank you, Mister Christmas! I'd like some catnip and yarn for Christmas!"

The poor Debenhams employee was so freaked out by the girl that he said, "Ho ho ho! Why not ask for something more? But then again, the true gifts in life are free! Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas!"

Chen was about to ask him more questions, but some green-suited 'elves' quickly shoved the set of weirdos along. Ran looked more refined, and seemed to have a more confident posture now that she was wearing something unique. "So, Chen, did you enjoy seeing Father Christmas?" Ran asked her shikigami.

"He seemed in a hurry. I guess he can't show favouritism, though... a lot of kids go to see him, huh? I'm so lucky to have seen the one and only high-speed human in the world!" Chen appreciatively said.

Tomasu and Dawitsu smiled at each other. They both were thinking the exact same thing.

'She's just like a kid, isn't she?'

_Tom's Aquarium, Tomasu's bedroom, Half one_

After three hours of gaming, Sakuya had started to get into it. "No-one spams grenades! Martyrdom? You've got to be kidding me! No-one spawn-kills, faggot!" she seemingly was just yelling random gaming idioms she'd picked up from her contemporaries.

Patchouli Knowledge was attracted to the noise, and left Aya and Suika (who were both stealing from the liquor cabinet after noticing Tomasu and co had left the house to them) to see what the sound was upstairs. Opening the door she supposedly wasn't allowed to open, she saw Sakuya half-angrily flicking buttons and control sticks on a tiny white device while staring at a screen of some sorts.

"Sakuya, what are you doing?" Patchouli asked, startling Sakuya and causing her guy to be hopelessly gunned down.

"Aw, Patchy, you made me die now! What do you want?"

"You're very much still alive. What's that? It looks similar to what you were playing with Dawitsu that one time..."

"That's because it is... but there's some sort of interface in the outside world! Now let me own some noobs!" Sakuya said before hunching and twiddling analogue sticks frantically.

"Oh... I see. Well, the others have helped themselves to food, so, just in case you want some, you can make some food for yourself downstairs..."

"Yeah, yeah, thanks, whatever..." 

Patchouli sighed. Humans have such obsessive personalities...

_Eventually Dawitsu, his brother, and his shikigami returned. When they did, Patchouli didn't fail to tell them all about Aya and Suika's drunken bouts and Sakuya's gaming fever. Tomasu was concerned that Sakuya may have ruined his online records, but when he checked it out, he found she'd actually improved it slightly... beginner's luck seems to apply after all._

Author's notes: Wow, this took me so long. Let me hook you up with something. Started writing at: Six. Finished at: Ten. Frickin' four hours! It's a good thing I'm having fun writing this, or I'd die of... death.

Anyway, I hope you enjoy, I need a huge influx of reviewer-motivation for the next chapter, so Ban3 and Demon Neko Shen, get reviewing like the reviewers I know you are! And of course, my faithful reviewer Metroid Life, I have no doubt you'll have... something to say about this huge chapter. What does the scouter say about the word level? It's OVER TWENTY-THREE THOUSAAAAAAAAND! (Breaks scouter with overly butch man-hands)

Okay, my mind's clearly frazzled, time to let my brain rot and watch some Nostalgia Critic. Bleh.


	9. 9: Meanwhile, back at the ranch

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 9: Meanwhile, back at the ranch...**

_Gensokyo, The Netherworld, 21st December, Early Morning_

Yuyuko was spending time poking Yukari's limp body with a stick. Youmu walked up to her Mistress, and couldn't help but ask, "How long have you been poking Miss Yukari for now? Five days?"

"Four and a half. And by the way, I have taken breaks. I'm just concerned that if I just let her die, she won't end up in the netherworld with me..."

Youmu sighed, "Well, I had no intention of letting her die either, but I thought that maybe keeping her in the house would have been better. How did she get here in the first place? Do you know?"

Yuyuko did know, but decided that playing dumb was more entertaining. "Oh my, I don't. You don't think someone is trying to murder one of the stabilising influences of Gensokyo, do you?"

"I'll search for the culprit immediately!" Youmu shouted, drawing her blade and running off into the distance. Yuyuko hadn't even bothered trying to stop her. She'd be gone for a while.

Yuyuko decided to go back to poking Yukari again, until an angry, but sleepy-sounding Yukari said, "Stop... jabbing me... stop... it..." she then suddenly sat up and screamed, "GET OFF ME!"

Yuyuko poked the now-conscious Yukari one more time, and said, "Well, I've been working hard so that you can wake up. Do you know what happened?"

Yukari looked at the ghost. It was quite obvious she knew something, but would never tell as long as she was dead. "Don't you know?"

"No, I don't. Say, have you lost memory?"

"No, I remember everything... who I am, what I control... wait a second. That... Dawitsu guy. Yeah, he was telling me how beautiful I was, and then, I turned to see something, and... something hit me."

"Oh my, what evil plans must this something have! Attacking the most powerful in all of Gensokyo!" Yuyuko chanted, not taking any of the situation seriously at all.

Yukari hated being played with by the head of Hakugyokuro, it undermined her position in Gensokyo far more than was necessary. "I'm sure it was... oh, I get it. That scumbag! He double-bluffed! He said there was a trap, and I thought he was joking, but he wasn't! Oh, he's smarter than I thought! I wonder what sort of super-weapon he hid to knock me out for as long as I was out for..."

Yuyuko laughed under her breath.

"What are you laughing at?"

"Oh, the secret weapon... so powerful... I wonder what calamity will befall us all now that maniac's in possession of such a weapon."

Yukari tried to hit Yuyuko with her fan, but she turned non-solid just in time. "Just shut up! Do you know something or not?"

"Of course not... but go easy on that guy, though. He helped me renovate! Look at the place! Doesn't it look wonderful?"

Yukari observed the destruction _she _caused last time she was here, and remembered her fight. Why anyone would consider that a good look was beyond her comprehension, but then again, most of Miss Saigyouji's thoughts and actions were inexplicable in logical terms.

"Ugh! I'll ask someone more cooperative! Thanks for nothing, Yuyuko!"

"I poked you awake..." Yuyuko muttered with a glimmer in her eye.

Yukari scowled at the playful ghost, picked up her parasol and walked into a gap.

_Hakurei Shrine, immediately after_

Reimu was washing her clothes, feeling totally in private now that the ever-intrusive Aya was partying in the outside world. It was harder work than she thought without Suika's help...

But just as she took off her top to wash it in her fountain, a gap opened behind her, revealing none other than the border youkai herself.

"Boo."

Reimu jumped in shock, and quickly held her top in front of her chest. "Gah! Don't stop by while I'm washing my clothes!"

"Oh, it's not like I haven't seen you half-naked before... anyway, do you know where that pesky Mimicking Youkai is? He's gone too far this time!"

Reimu asked, "Wait, what did you say before?"

"Do you know where the mimicker is?" Yukari responded with a poker face.

"No, before that..." Reimu was slightly worried about what Yukari did in her spare time...

"I didn't say anything before that..." Yukari said with a smirk.

"Oh, I guess I won't get an answer off you. The last time I heard of him was by Aya. Apparently he went towards the border. Haven't heard from him since... you reckon they've crossed it?"

Yukari smiled darkly, "They almost certainly have... who else is with them?"

"Uh... Aya and Suika went off and followed him. Apart from that, I don't know..."

"Oh, they can be replaced. I have just had a brilliant idea... ha ha ha!" Yukari stopped in a pose resembling a clichéd cartoon villain.

"What kind of idea? Why are you spazzing out? Oh well, as long as you aren't causing any incidents, I don't care. Now, go away, I need to finish washing my clothes."

"Yes, your privacy is important, isn't it, Miss Hakurei?" Yukari said with a sideways glance, and then disappeared into one of her portals.

Reimu continued to scrub at her clothes once satisfied the border Youkai was gone. She thought in silence, until suddenly something clicked. In her mind, she said, 'She said, 'they can be replaced'! She wants to... make sure they don't come back! She's going to lock the border!'. Reimu was suddenly worried for the Tengu and Oni's safety, which sort of made her feel strange. She wasn't used to caring about individuals...

"Nice pair, Reimu..." Yukari oozed from a tiny, just about visible gap. Reimu was about to ask her what her plan was all about, but the gap vanished before any answers could be given. Reimu sighed. This could be a big issue, but for the time being, she'd stay inactive. Marisa can stick her nose into any events for her for now, chores don't do themselves.

_Tom's Aquarium, Tomasu's Bedroom, around noon_

Tomasu was getting tired of being polite. He'd been asking Sakuya to get off his Xbox for the past two hours.

"Sakuya... what if I give you... oh, never mind. Hey, Matt! Can you come up here?" Tomasu called.

Mateyuu Dawitsu, who was currently discussing 'A series of unfortunate events' by Lemony Snicket with Patchouli and Yutaka, responded to his brother almost instantly, rushing upstairs.

"What's the problem?" Dawitsu asked, as if he didn't know.

"That girlfriend of yours has practically stolen my Xbox off me since yesterday! She barged in here at one in the morning just to play it!"

"Well, why didn't you just say no?" Dawitsu asked.

"I did! She's hooked, I tell ya! Hooked!"

Sakuya was so intensely concentrating on the game that really, it didn't matter that they were effectively talking as if she wasn't in the room. Dawitsu kneeled beside the hunched, cross-legged young woman.

"Hey, Sakuya..."

"Yeah, what?"

"You think you could come off that, now?"

"No, I'm in the middle of a game!"

"Oh, well, I guess you'll miss out on being my girlfriend... I was going to ask you out and everything..." Dawitsu said with a half-bluffed smile.

Sakuya slowly, but surely turned her head from the TV screen and towards Dawitsu. "W-what did you say?"

"Oh, it doesn't matter... you love the Xbox too much anyway, I guess I'm no competition..." Dawitsu stood up and walked away in false sadness.

Tomasu grinned at his brother's awful, but somehow convincing acting. "Thanks for trying, bro..." he said to complete the façade.

Sakuya suddenly dropped her controller, stood up, and ran towards Dawitsu. "Okay, I'll come off! But only if you do what you said you'd do!"

"And what was... er... that?" Dawitsu said, stalling for time as Tomasu changed the game from 'Modern Warfare 2' to 'Formula 1 2011'.

"You know! You just said it! You were going to ask me out! YOU SAID!" Sakuya was starting to sound slightly insane, as if all the gaming had turned her slightly Yandere.

Dawitsu sweat-dropped, "Oh yeah, of course. Yeah, you're my girlfriend now- officially, none of that fake stuff. I'm sorry that I've been messing you around all this time..."

Tomasu, after finishing the switch, turned the Xbox off. "I never realised you had a way with women, Matt!"

"I didn't, either..." Dawitsu honestly said, but couldn't continue as Sakuya caught him in one of her constrictive hugs.

"Of course you do! Everyone else is crazy not to want you like I do! Crazy, I say! Wait 'til I tell Patchy, she'll be so jealous!" Sakuya ranted and raved.

Dawitsu felt like he'd unleashed hell- she'd stopped her acting crazy in one way just so she could act crazy in another way.

"Come downstairs, you two, I'll make some lunch for all of us..." Tomasu said, walking out of his room and walking towards the stairs.

"I'll... get... Yutaka... to help." Dawitsu squeaked, too low on air to project his voice properly.

Sakuya literally carried her new boyfriend down the stairs in her death-grip, and while Tomasu was asking the group what they wanted for dinner, Sakuya interrupted to say, "Hey everyone, Dawitsu asked me out! And the answer of course is YES!"

"Help... me..." Dawitsu mouthed to Yutaka, who picked up what he said by lip reading.

Yutaka walked up to Sakuya, "Would you mind letting go?"

Sakuya agreed, and then said, "So, what do you think?"

"I think you two are a fantastic couple!" Yutaka replied, with a cheery demeanour, "So, how did he do it?"

"He just did it then! Oh, you're so spontaneous, Dawitsu!" Sakuya sighed.

Dawitsu was feeling smothered, to say the least. "Er, yeah... I think Tom asked us about lunch, so how about we answer him?"

Tomasu nodded, "Thank you, Matt. Yeah, so what do you guys eat?"

Patchouli said, "I'm sure we'd love to try something you make, Tomasu, we haven't come here just to eat what we usually eat, have we?"

"Fair enough. Hey, do you reckon we should get a Subway?" Tomasu asked Dawitsu.

Dawitsu began to drool, "Ohh... haven't had a sub for ages... oh, we _have _to introduce them to it!"

Ran knew a little about the outside world, and knew that the subway was a transport system.

"How are we going to eat a train? Isn't that a subway?" Ran asked.

"Incomplete knowledge is a dangerous thing." Dawitsu said, smiling to himself. "Subway, as well as being a term for underground train networks, are also a chain of restaurants which specialise in making sandwiches."

"Sandwiches? They don't seem like that interesting a restaurant!" Aya pointed out.

Yutaka grinned, "Oh, but you haven't tasted the sandwiches that Subway makes! They have so many types of fillings, you won't know what's hit you!"

"They attack you?" Chen asked.

"Uh, no, it's a turn of phrase." Yutaka explained. "But, I assure you, this will be a good experience for everyone, especially Aya. It'll offer you insight on this strange culture."

Suika was not fully satisfied with this explanation. "Do they serve booze?"

"Only soft drinks, sorry..." Dawitsu broke the bad news.

"WHAT? But... that's... oh, I need to drown my sorrows now..." Suika took this excuse as an opportunity to swig from her unlimited sake bottle.

Tomasu couldn't think of anything to say that wasn't just too forward about Suika's behaviour, so decided instead to say, "Well, off to Subway it is, then!"

_Beverly Town Centre, half an hour later_

Tomasu had taken Aya, Patchouli and Yutaka in his car, which was notably less gay than a purple Cadillac (it was a Porsch, if you're wondering, so not as straight as you'd hope) while Dawitsu was driving Sakuya, Ran, Chen and Suika in his car. They both parked in the town centre car park, paid their parking fees, and walked meaningfully towards where they knew was the legendary Subway.

The others merely followed along, as if they knew where they were going. Eventually they entered the small-looking shop, and almost over-crowded the place instantly.

"Hello, welcome to subway! What subs do you want?"

It took a lot of time, deliberation and phrases such as 'ooh, that looks nice' before the nine people finally chose what they wanted. Dawitsu ordered a foot-long Pepperoni, Salami, ham, chicken and chilli sauce sub, Yutaka ordered a six-inch cheese, ham and Salad sub, Tomasu ordered a foot-long meatball marinara special, Ran ordered a salad... alone.

Chen got a six-inch chicken tikka sub, Aya got a ham and Reggae Reggae sauce sub (she didn't know why, but it sounded interesting), Suika got no food, but got a cup of seven up for her to add sake to, Patchouli ordered a bacon and barbecue sauce sub and finally Sakuya got a 'Viva Italia' special sub.

They decided not to stay, and give the place some room for other customers to eat in. While eating, they discussed the various aspects of Christmas, and about how it's customary to give each other presents...

Sakuya was clingy and giving several hints that a Christmas present was necessary from Dawitsu... what was he supposed to do? Conjure one from nowhere... actually, that could be a job for Yutaka later on tonight, when he had some time away from Sakuya.

_Gensokyo, Mayohiga, late at night_

Yukari was satisfied. She had just made the border impenetrable.

She got her cell phone from under her bed, and decided to call up an old friend, "Hey, Chuck. Guess what? I don't need your help! I'm rid of that pest forever! Yeah, well... I don't care what you're doing either! Then why am I calling? Oh, forget it! You act as if we were never lovers! We were! Don't you remember the good old days where I would help you beat up guys... hmph! Well, I'm not speaking to you either! Goodbye, Chuck!" she hung up. "Well, that was pointless. Oh, it sure is lonely... perhaps I'll sneak into Miss Margatroid's house and see what she's up to..."

Author's notes: Not much going on in this chapter, yawn yawn. Perhaps I should just skip to Christmas Eve, that's when things'll kick off. In fact, yeah, I'll do just that. You okay with that, guys?


	10. 10: Christmas Eve, Crackers and Cosplay

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 10: Christmas Eve, Crackers and Cosplaying**

_Tom's Aquarium, December 24th, early morning_

Tom's Aquarium was quiet... but not too quiet. Most of the guests were fast asleep, tired after experiencing the better aspects of outside world life... they had been to various restaurants, a place in Hull known as 'Prince's quay', and went sledding on a snow-covered pasture called the West Wood. On the 23rd, they went clubbing, and Suika almost destroyed the club after buying ecstasy from a shifty-looking dealer. However, she passed out before she got the opportunity.

She was now, just like the other Gensokyo natives, lying in after experiencing the nightlife. However, Dawitsu, Yutaka and Tomasu were all up early, and were decking up the house for a Christmas Eve party. They were currently working on the entrance and halls, seen as the aquariums still had sleeping people in them. Because his brother had visited him and was staying at his house, Tomasu had made it his duty to host the Christmas Eve party and invite all of the family.

"So, you invited Mum _and _Dad?" Dawitsu asked.

"I'm afraid so... they both need to see you, you know. I don't care if it'll be awkward, they're both adults, they'll overcome it to see us and have fun, I'm sure..." Tomasu said, adding another bauble to a Christmas tree.

"How are the Christmas Lights getting on?" Dawitsu called to Yutaka while opening the front door.

"Take a look for yourself!" she called back. Tomasu and Dawitsu walked outside, the morning still dark enough for lights to look good. Yutaka lifted her arms, and as if by magic, the house became as bright as the North Star. Images of Saint Nick glowed underneath the windows, a moving-pattern set of series lights lined the roof. A glowing slogan saying 'Santa stop here' was above the front door, and a luminous holly-leaf design covered most of the other parts of the house.

"It's not too tacky, is it?" Yutaka asked.

"No... of course not." Dawitsu said tactfully.

"It is, but that's what the holidays are all about!" Tomasu less than tactfully replied, being a tad more honest than his brother.

"I guess..." Yutaka sighed. "I'll turn these off and do the official switch-on tonight..."

"Great idea, now you can help us with the rest of the decorating! You'll make it so much easier than last year!" Tomasu finished.

So they put water-proof Christmas hats on the fish (Yutaka chiefly), drew up a fake bar sign called 'Ye Olde Manger', along with a nativity scene picture copied from a story book (Dawitsu chiefly), and finally, decked the halls with bells and holly (Tomasu did this, singing tra la la la la the whole way).

Tomasu had finished wrapping the gifts yesterday, and Dawitsu had finished wrapping his gifts on the same day. Sakuya had noticeably calmed down about the whole 'girlfriend' thing over the last few days.

Yutaka, along with Mateyuu and Tomasu Dawitsu looked over the sleeping sextette, and decided to discuss a few things.

"So, how do you reckon Dad's gonna feel about your girlfriend? I imagine he won't be complaining about her looks..." Tomasu remarked.

"Heh, no way. There's one thing that I'm worried about..." Dawitsu paused for feedback.

"What?" Yutaka asked, fulfilling the pause's request.

"Mum really liked you, and thought you'd make a great girlfriend... she was always like 'Why don't you marry that Japanese girl, she seems your type' and 'The Japanese girl's really lovely, she'd make a good daughter-in-law'. What's she gonna respond like when I tell her that you're still just my friend?"

Yutaka blushed, giggled slightly, and responded, "She's your mother, I'm sure she'll understand. Anyway, I never realised she thought I was your girlfriend!"

At this moment Dawitsu was under attack by the light-hearted glares of Tomasu and Yutaka. "Uh... she came to that conclusion herself, alright? She assumed because we're such... close friends, and that we're the opposite gender... and so... you know? Anyone would make that mistake!"

"We never accused you of anything..." Tomasu legitimately pointed out.

"Gah! Foiled again!" Dawitsu shouted, moving in an over-the-top animé villain style and falling backwards, crashing on the way down.

"Oh, was that from sucky star by any chance?" Tomasu asked.

"So what if it was?" Dawitsu said from the floor.

Ran was woken up by her boss' fall. "Master? Was that you? I'm beginning to tell which movements are yours..." she muttered, rubbing her eyes as she got out of bed.

"You are correct." Dawitsu called, still lying down.

"Chen, time to get up..." Ran softly said to her Shikigami.

Chen was curled in the foetal position, and refused to get up. "If you don't get up early, you won't be able to get up early tomorrow and see all the presents..." Tomasu said, winking at Ran.

Chen bolted from her bed. She quite clearly was loving the idea of Christmas. After a while, more of them awoke. By noon, all the people got up, one by one.

"Shall I unform the beds and make a dining table?" Yutaka asked Tomasu.

"Sure, it makes sense. You're gonna stay for Christmas day, though, aren't you?"

"Sure we are... I've got to give you your presents, haven't I?"

Time passed slowly from then on, and soon it was time for the party. Not many people from Dawitsu's family were there- his father had brought his wife and friends round, and his mother hadn't brought anyone but herself. Tomasu's friends were also there, but all in all, the party was fairly low-key. When Dawitsu's mother caught sight of her eldest son, she ran towards him and hugged him.

"Hello, my big boy!" she said, still treating him like a child, "It's been so long, hasn't it?"

Dawitsu was happy to see his mother again. Sakuya was hovering by him, and looked as if she wanted to be introduced.

"Oh... Mum, this is Sakuya, my girlfriend..." Dawitsu gestured to Sakuya, who did a little bow.

"Oh, she looks Japanese, like that other girl... whatever happened to her, she was so nice..."

As if on cue, Yutaka appeared on the scene with Patchouli. Patchouli was reading 'Book the Tenth: The Slippery Slope' in her Series of Unfortunate events.

"Hello, Helen! It's been a while, hasn't it?"

"Oh, uh... it's..." Dawitsu's mother looked at her son for answers on the Shikigami's name.

"...Yutaka." Dawitsu interjected.

"Oh, yes, Yutaka. So, are you okay with him just being with another woman like that? Is it that you have an 'understanding'? Because you know I don't approve of that..."

Dawitsu sighed, "Mum, Yutaka and I were never in that kind of relationship... I've said before. Now, Sakuya... spend some time with my mum, she might tell you some embarrassing things about me. In fact, no, I know she'll do that, so please, feel free to chat with her..."

Sakuya felt as if she was being shipped off, like she was unwanted by Dawitsu at that time. Not to be abandoned, she said, "Why not stick around?"

Dawitsu looked into her eyes... they were red, and once were fear-inspiring. Since she mellowed out and stopped being self-conscious, they had gotten warmer in colour. It was calming, in one way or another.

"Okay, then..."

Dawitsu's father, named Ned, and his wife, Rowena, were speaking to Suika. "So, are you one of Matt's new friends? I must say, he seems as unique and geeky as ever..."

Suika threw her arm at the man, pointing inaccurately towards him, "Hey... buster, you calling me a geek! I just came along for the ride, man..."

"Oh, okay... are you drunk already?" Rowena asked Suika.

"...Of course! What else do you expect? I hear the word party and that's it... I love you, man!" Suika then hugged the woman she knew nothing about and released quickly, fell over and rolled on the floor laughing about... something.

Aya walked up to the Oni. "Is she giving you grief? With Oni you've got to be patient. Hey, you look similar to the guy I know... are you a relative of Dawitsu?"

"I'm his father."

"Ah... the resemblance is uncanny! Say, he's been mentioning that you have a love of technology... please can you elaborate on that?" Aya got out a notepad.

"What, are you a news reporter?" Rowena wondered out loud.

"Right on! So, what is the technology like here? Do you have what the people here call..." Aya paused for emphasis, "...a digital camera?" and pulled out her flashy, tourist-acquired digital camera.

"Oh, those are old news. We have a contract deal with O2, they give us upgraded mobile phones with better and better cameras each time!" Ned explained, showing off his brand new Experia phone. "It's camera is twelve mega-pixels! Do you want a go?"

"DO I?" Aya shouted, nabbing the phone off him while the two wondered why she was so curious about simple technological devices.

"How do you take the picture?"

"Touch the screen."

"What? But there's no buttons on the screen!"

"Try it..." Ned patiently said. Aya gingerly touched the screen, and a clicking sound was made. The blurred, just-for-testing picture had been taken.

"That's... so... cool!"

Yutaka had moved on to saying hello to Dawitsu's father while the mimicker was being tortured by baby stories as recalled by his mother. Patchouli, despite not talking much, followed Yutaka like a dog... so as not to have to speak to any of the many people chattering away with each other.

"Hello, Ned! I see Aya's enjoying her time with your new phone... what model is it?"

"Yutaka! Wow, you and Matt still hang out together! How's it been? Where is Matt, anyway?"

"He's currently showing off his new girlfriend to his Mum."

"Heh, I remember when I was sure you two were gonna get together... how wrong I was..." Ned laughed awkwardly afterwords.

"So, been anywhere interesting? Where have you two been, anyway?" Rowena asked Yutaka, looking for answers.

"Well, it's a long story... see this woman beside me, and that reporter? Well they're from a separate world known as Gensokyo..."

And while Yutaka was replaying the whole story, Sakuya was taking immense joy in hearing how Dawitsu grew up.

"And that's how he cracked his head open... he was a fool-hardy child, that's for sure..."

"So, what was he like as a teenager?" Sakuya asked, her arm around Dawitsu's waist. Dawitsu was hand-hovering around her waist... he sort of felt pervy, even now that they were officially together.

"He wasn't that bad, but sometimes he would spend all his time in his room... being all moody. It seems teenagers have some properties that stay through time, eh?" Dawitsu's mother seemed to assume Sakuya was totally aware Dawitsu was a youkai... it was fortunate that she was, really.

"Oh yeah, I forgot Dawitsu was three hundred years old..." Sakuya looked at the youkai, "Doesn't look it, though!" she kissed him on the cheek, making a little 'mwah' noise in the process.

"What do you mean? You're a youkai too, aren't you?" Helen asked, looking at Dawitsu disapprovingly.

"Erm... no, Mum. She's a human. I... know, it's sort of..." Dawitsu was looking down in shame. No matter how old one is, they always will be accountable to their mother. 

"You're going to break the poor girl's heart!" the Youkai woman scolded, "Sakuya, darling, are you okay with this?"

Sakuya was aware of what was going on... Dawitsu had showed the same concerns in the corn field...

"Look, that's not his fault... I came on to him... he actually refused me because of that... but I don't care! I love him, and he loves me..." Sakuya said resolutely. "He taught me how to be confident! I'll always respect and care for him!"

Helen, who was slightly angry at her son, calmed down a little, "Look, if you know it's for life... I have no problem. Matt, don't break up on this girl, now. She's quite clearly made a very large conviction in her mind, and you now have a duty to uphold and prove right her decision..."

Dawitsu couldn't understand how staying in a relationship was a duty... it seemed more like a mutual agreement rather than a legally binding contract in his eyes.

"Yes, Mum... but what if she..." Sakuya looked at Dawitsu in horror, knowing what he was going to say.

"What if... God forbid... she wants to break up with me?"

"Then it's fine. A man has to give up what he wants for a woman, you know..."

Dawitsu rolled his eyes. His mother was about the most anti-male woman there could could be without being a wacky feminist.

"Yes, Mum..."

Eventually Tomasu rang a dinner-triangle (made courtesy of Yutaka) and called the group for the banquet tea that he and his brother had prepared.

Ran and Chen were among the first to get food, which drew attention themselves, something they weren't doing much of before. Suddenly Tomasu's human friends took to asking if the tails and ears were real... and started mocking them, and other things you'd expect of humans which don't quite get the fact that they were, in fact, real Fox and Cat women.

Dawitsu took his leave and sprinted from his mother. "I wonder h-what's for DINNER." he remarked while moving his left arm across his chest like a certain monarch.

With no-one to follow up his obscure reference, Dawitsu ran to the buffet table, stealing as many shish kebabs and peanuts. His dad noticed this.

"You still eat all the food at the party, don't you?" he said, and soon drew his attention to Sakuya. "Who's this girl with you? Yutaka says you've had quite a journey..."

"You could say that... she's uh... Sakuya, my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend? Say, she looks just like that maid-girl you copy-drew when you were getting good at drawing all those years ago... in fact, she looks just like it... what was the name of the girl you drew?"

Dawitsu was now in panic mode... "Uh... Sakuya... Izayoi..."

"What? She's the same girl? You mean... oh, I get it, she dresses up as that girl, and you... like her for that... Matt, that's a strange um... you know, maybe this conversation's best done away from a party, huh?"

Dawitsu was flapping his arms hysterically, "I-it's not like that at all! She's the real article! The girl I drew was from that world that Yutaka mentioned! Honestly! Really!"

Sakuya looked at her defensive boyfriend, "You... drew me... before I met you? Just how did you..."

Dawitsu wished he could just jangle some keys at his two questioners and distract them while he made a daring escape. But instead he had to cope...

"It doesn't matter! What matters is that..."

"Come to think of it, I've seen you draw that reporter girl, too... and that Drunkard... and that bookworm standing next to Yutaka all the time... just what kind of strange club have you joined? Oh well, I'm glad you're doing something you enjoy outside of work... even if it's a little raunchy." Ned 'figured out', seeming to think his son was some kind of animé pimp.

"It's nothing like that! Yutaka! Come here, please!" Dawitsu posed as if he was summoning Yutaka instead of calling her.

Faster than one could say 'cartoon' Yutaka sidestepped into view, and asked, "What's the matter, Boss?"

"She still calls you Boss? Son, I'm slightly concerned about your tastes..." the concerned father said to his 'kinky' son.

"I guess I'm used to it." Yutaka calmly said.

"Thanks for sticking up for me, Yutaka." Dawitsu had significantly reduced his panic level, "Yutaka, please tell Dad that these girls are genuinely from Gensokyo, not some weird club..."

Yutaka looked at Ned Dawitsu in a half-amused state. She could tell he wasn't about to buy anything coming from her mouth.

"There's no point. Let him think what he likes... I'm really into maid outfits, now I think about it..." Yutaka said, laughing as she left the group to party with her fellow Shikigami.

"So, Yutaka's into it too, huh? Hey, there wouldn't be a space for older guys, too, would there?" Ned asked, before Rowena tapped him on the back.

"Wouldn't be a space... where?" she asked in a half-irate tone.

Dawitsu laughed at his hapless father... he was definitely where he got his social awkwardness from...

_Midnight, Tom's aquarium, Christmas Eve_

By late night, the party had died down, and some people had gone home. Rowena and Helen (who, surprisingly, got on incredibly well) were chatting in the corner of the aquarium, while Chen was curled up in a different corner, sleeping. Ran was sitting down at the dining table with a couple of Tomasu's friends (who were quite clearly drunk) cuddling up to her tails.

Tomasu and Yutaka were working hard on tidying up, and Suika was trying harder to create more mess. Dawitsu and his father were _still _debating the existence of this so-called 'club', while Sakuya tried to get a word in edgeways, but kept failing to do so. Patchouli finished reading the tenth book in the Series of Unfortunate events, and was searching her suitcase for the eleventh book. Aya was scribbling notes in her pad... the knowledge she had taken in by asking the party-goers questions was phenomenal!

"Yes! I have it! 'Common Misconception proven: Outside world festival 'Christmas' has little to do with the entity 'Christ!'" Aya declared her latest headline.

"That's way too cynical..." Tomasu remarked, brushing up broken glass. Suika proceeded to make more as she stumbled for the eight hundred and seventy fourth time that day, breaking a bottle of apple sours on the floor.

"Are you trying to make things hard for me?" Tomasu asked the Oni.

"No, man... you're a cool guy, give me a hug!" Suika shouted, and proceeded to punch Tomasu in the jaw.

Dawitsu suddenly dropped his discussion with his father and Sakuya to rush to his brother's aid. "Tom! You okay?" he then turned to Suika. "What the hell are you playing at? Go to sleep or something!"

Suika surprisingly obeyed. "Sure thing, big boss... man!" Suika threw up, and proceeded to fall over and sleep in her own vomit. It was almost entirely liquid... anyone unfamiliar with Suika would be right to be concerned considering her stomach acid smelt more of fermented rice than digested rice.

"Wow, she's a maniac..." Tomasu said, holding his now-bleeding lip.

"Hey, Tom... instead of cleaning, I have an idea we can do... Yutaka, make a Santa outfit!"

Yutaka said, "Aye aye, Boss." She converted the pile of glass into a far less sharp red and white outfit.

"Okay, Tom, are you going to be Saint Nick or the surprised individual who wakes up Chen?"

Tomasu was a bit too cool for cosplaying. "Uh, it's okay, I'll get up Chen. I get what you're doing."

Dawitsu went upstairs, to get changed. Tomasu approached Chen, and tapped her on the nose. "Hey... Chen... I think that someone's coming... someone special..."

Chen was half-awake, and said, "Oh, what is it... oh! Dawi's brother! What's happening?"

"Well, I heard footsteps on the roof... and the sound of reindeer... do you think it could be..."

"FATHER CHRISTMAS?" Chen shouted, and sprung up. "Where's the fireplace? Where is it?"

So Tomasu took the excited Nekomata into his long-since redundant living room, and there a great crashing sound, along with "Ow! Oh! I thought climbing into a chimney would be easy!" was heard. Chen braced herself as an obviously disguised Dawitsu fell into the fireplace.

"Mister Christmas! You came!"

"Ho ho ho! Yes, I have! And I've come to give you your Catnip and Yarn!"

"Oh, you remembered! Thank you, mister Christmas! What about Dawi's brother? He gets a present, too, doesn't he?"

Fortunately, Dawitsu had thought of this. "Yes, dear child. Here you go, Tomasu!" he gave his brother the gift-wrapped box. It seemed to have holes pierced into it. "Go on, see what's in it!" Dawitsu continued using his 'Father Christmas' voice.

Tomasu opened the box carefully, and found a branch with a thick covering of lichen on it. There was a note beside it.

"This is a brand new species of lichen me and Yutaka designed just for you. It's able to exist underwater, and coexist with various species of algae and coral. We thought you could introduce it for making high-oxygen environment in your aquarium. Merry Christmas, bro." Tomasu read out loud, and then he hugged 'Santa', saying, "Thanks Matt... uh... Father Christmas. That was truly thoughtful."

"Ho ho ho, it's okay! I have all these presents, too!" Dawitsu proceeded to show an array of different-shaped presents. He then said, "Ho ho ho, time for me to leave... I need to catch up with the time zones!" Dawitsu climbed back up the chimney, and was never seen in the outfit again.

Chen was silent, and smiling. "Father Christmas! He's real! I thought it was a human dressing up, but that's the real one! Looks just like a tengu!"

"Hey, Chen, do you want to show all these presents to the others?"

By the time the two had returned to the main aquarium, Dawitsu had changed and got back. "So, what did I miss? Did anything happen, Chen?"

"Yeah, Dawi! Father Christmas gave us presents! I wish you could have seen it!"

"Something tells me I kinda know how it went..."

Patchouli got a book-shaped present- naturally it was a book, on natural phenomena and the rainforest. Suika would have received whiskey, but was fast asleep in her own bodily fluids. Aya got ream of outside-world newspapers, while Ran got an accessory set to make herself look pretty. Yutaka got a book on recent Japanese culture changes, so she could see what her country had gotten up to _other _than animé during her time away (it was the only aspect of Japan Dawitsu talked about). Finally, Sakuya got something which caused her to rush into Tomasu's room... Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3.

Chen looked confused. "Oh, Dawi, how come there's no present for you?"

Tomasu smiled, "Oh, I think I know where it's gone..." he left the room for about two minutes, and came back with a DVD-shaped present.

"I went to Comiket about three monthes ago 'cos I missed your geekiness... and I bought this... thought of you. I hope you like it... I remember you talked about the Japanese subbed version all the time..." Tomasu said, handing him the gift-wrapped box.

"It isn't..." Dawitsu said, hope filling his face, "You didn't get what I think you did..."

"Oh, just open it, you Otaku!"

Dawitsu ripped it open to reveal 'The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya- The English Dub'. He did a little fan-boy squeal, shouted, "Oh, I could kiss you, Tom!"

"Please don't." Tomasu half-joked.

_No one but Tomasu and Yutaka understood why that gift meant so much to the animé-watching Youkai, but none of that mattered... Dawitsu was finally content... even when he wasn't around, his brother thought of him. That was solace, and Dawitsu showed his joy by forcing all of the group through the two and three-quarter hour movie right there and then..._

Author's notes: Um. Four and a half hours. I shouldn't be spending that long on fanfiction, should I?

But anyway, this is picking up on something mentioned aaaaall the way back from the tour chapter of Dawitsu's folly. I did it to kind of show that, although apart, and though not always ideologically similar, brothers are always in tune with one another.

I love the concept of family love. It's great. Yutaka may think that 'Storge' is a forced love, but I definitely don't. Family love is wonderful, as is everyday life. Dontcha think?

On another note, not the most relevant of titles, eh?


	11. 11: Active Transport

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 11: Active Transport**

_Tom's Aquarium, December 25th, Mid-day_

Tomasu sighed as he saw his brother pick up his suitcase. "Matt, why not stay for Christmas? It's not going to be entertaining like yesterday, but we can at least try to enjoy ourselves a little longer..."

"Sorry, but we don't even know the whereabouts of a border with Gensokyo may be around here- we need to spend time to look for one... and I'd like to back home sometime soon..." Dawitsu said, somewhat overlooking his brother's concerns.

Yutaka observed the group- none of them were particularly looking forward to leaving and returning home, but most looked like they accepted they had to- all except for herself. She bowed towards Tomasu, "I'm sorry. I'd love to stay a little longer, but I guess this is goodbye for now. I'm sure we'll visit again."

Tomasu wasn't going to just say goodbye right here and then, though. "No! I'm going with you!"

"What?" Dawitsu was confused. His brother had a thriving business out here- unlike Dawitsu's former career as a veterinarian, where he was easily replaceable, Tomasu had a unique role in his society, in the whole world, to be more precise- no-one had a more diverse and exotic collection of marine life. No-one was assisting the conservation of marine life more than Tomasu.

Tomasu didn't pick up on why his brother was confused at first, but then figured it out, "No, I just meant for the journey- so that when you find your way back, I'll know where to go if I want to visit... that's understandable, right?"

"I guess so. So, we taking the two cars?" Dawitsu suggested, to make the side-cars more redundant and give Chen and Suika a proper car ride.

Sakuya thought out loud, "Where can we go to access Gensokyo? It was some random place when we came here, do you reckon we'll just come across another opening as easily?"

"No, I don't. Fortunately, I have an idea that may work. I was spirited away with my mansion, which was floating above Great Harwood when it was transported..." Dawitsu answered.

"Wait, you made Dad's mansion float? How?" this was fresh news to Tomasu.

"Huge rocket boosters- Yutaka's great for splitting water into Hydrogen and Oxygen gas." Dawitsu explained.

"Yes, we became popular in those parts as a local attraction, you wouldn't believe how many people paid just to see a floating mansion. Hyndeburn council must have made a fortune because of us..." Yutaka added.

"So, we're driving to Great Harwood? What's the hold up, let's go!" Tomasu said, somewhat renewed in vigour at the hope that he'd get to visit his brother regularly.

So Suika, Aya, and Chen got in Tomasu's Porsch while Yutaka, Ran, Patchouli and Sakuya got in Dawitsu's Cadillac. The drive from Beverly to Great Harwood is a two and a half hour one, so naturally all passengers but the drivers were bored to the point of sleeping. Even the narrative got bored, so decided to switch to a more eventful scene.

_Hakurei Shrine, during previous events_

Reimu had been biding her time in confronting Yukari, but was now starting to miss the helping hand and comic relief that was Suika, and was even missing the ever-replenishing holes in the wall made by Aya.

So she walked out of her shrine's grounds, and called, "I know you can hear me, just show yourself!"

Yukari's disembodied voice purred, "Oh, you are the smarter of the three brave humans, aren't you? Marisa didn't even notice when I kindly stole back my rice cakes off of her..."

"Well, she's not a shrine maiden. It's my job to tell when Youkai are around. Anyway, do what I asked, and show yourself."

A gap appeared, revealing Yakumo herself. "Your wish is my command, oh mighty Shrine Maiden."

"Now, you know what I want! Weaken the border, so I can get across and help get back Aya and Suika! They're... my friends. Let them get back in!"

"Oh, but I'm locking out that detriment to Gensokyo..." Yukari hid her face behind her fan.

"Look, I know you hate that mimicker, and you're not alone in that respect, but you can't let your feelings against him cause you to lock out two perfectly good individuals..."

"You shouldn't let _your _feelings cause you to let in two bad influences on Gensokyo..." Yukari countered.

"Yukari, do I have to force to you to let me have my way? You know that just like last time we fought, I have so much plot armour that I'll beat you without even trying." Reimu tried to look threatening, but failed to intimidate the border Youkai.

"Look, I control the border just as much as you. Sure, you're necessary for the maintenance of the border, but it doesn't mean I'll just let you win. Anyhow, I don't have time for worthless conversation... I've got an important date with someone in the outside world..." Yukari opened a gap to prepare for leaving.

"Wait, how come you can get through?"

"I've made the border a semi-permeable membrane sensitive to Youkai concentration. Areas of high concentration will allow passive flow of Youkai from there to an area of low concentration. However, energy must be put in to make Youkai flow in the opposite direction. Genius, I say, genius!"

"But you won't get back..." Reimu pointed out.

"I'll just make an exception for me when I want to get back- I am the border Youkai after all..." Yukari grinned, and with that, disappeared.

Reimu wondered- the border was called the Hakurei Border. She remembered how her mother, also a Reimu Hakurei by name, had told her that her family had kept some sort of amulet for the control of this border...

She rushed back to her house, and searched her basement- it was the area she kept all the Shinto artefacts which once made up vital constituents of worship at the Shrine, but now meant nothing to anyone. She'd be here for a while...

_The Outside World, Great Harwood, circa three post meridian_

The town of Great Harwood, just like Beverly, was covered in Christmas decorations fro top to bottom. The Whiteheads local shop was selling out due to the huge Tesco that had opened across the road from it. A smaller Aldi and a Morrisons were either side of the Tesco.

As Dawitsu drove past, he remarked to Yutaka (who was in the back due to Sakuya taking 'priority' as his girlfriend.) "I knew that Tesco was trying to establish a monopoly- look at that. Smack bang in the middle of three competing shops and not even caring about the smaller businesses. Damn fat cats..."

Yutaka failed to point out that Dawitsu lived in a mansion, and simply agreed, "Yes, last time we were here, Morrisons had only just bought out the Co-op..."

Patchouli was going crazy from all the specific terminology. "What are these things known as Tesco, Morrisons and Co-op?"

"Only types of Supermarket. Anyway, where I used to live is just a right turn away..."

Dawitsu turned right, with Tomasu's car following him and also turning right. Dawitsu stopped the car, however, as they saw a great crowd of people at where his mansion... shouldn't have been. It's in Gensokyo, isn't it?

But lo and behold, what looked like Dawitsu's Mansion was floating in the air, exactly where it was before they disappeared that fateful day.

"That... makes no sense..." Yutaka mused. "That shouldn't be here..."

They got out the car, and a Hyndeburn Councillor was charging people money to see the 'mansion'. He caught a glance of Dawitsu and Yutaka, and shouted, "Oh, look! It's the enigmatic owner of the Mansion himself! And his ever-young head servant! It's been a while since you've shown your face here!"

Dawitsu broke through the crowd, gesturing for people to move as they gasped in awe at the man, and his entourage of magical girls. He walked right on up to the Councillor.

"Hey, guy. Did this mansion disappear at all?"

"Why? Are you trying to make it invisible? Heh, you are, aren't you! What an eccentric guy, eh? The pride of Harwood!"

"No, that's not what I meant. Anyway, we have a... magic act to show you. Watch as we fly... with no strings attached... towards my house. Come on, my... magician's helpers..." Dawitsu was not convinced by his on-the-spot excuse.

He floated upwards, as did his friends. Suika decided air-swimming was better, but Dawitsu didn't stop her- it added to the effect for the clueless crowd watching. Tomasu wasn't sure about this... he'd never flown before.

"Tom! Just float!" Dawitsu called.

Tomasu looked downwards in sadness. "No... I can't."

Patchouli sighed. "Don't worry, I have a solution..."

Patchouli floated downwards, placed her hand on Tomasu's shoulder. Of course, the crowd though this was all part of the act, even the others floating in place as they waited. "Literary Sign: Peter Pan." she declared, referring to a piece of literature she decided to read at the Public Library on the 23rd. Suddenly, Tomasu began to levitate.

"Oh, I get it..." Tomasu smiled, and began to perform for the crowd. "Come with me, Wendy! Fly with me!"

Tomasu grabbed Patchouli's hand, causing her to blush a little, and they caught up with the others. The only one who wasn't in the air was Aya, who was interviewing various members of crowd who would much rather be watching the best magic show ever...

"Aya! Come on! The water's warm!" Suika slurred.

"Coming!" she replied.

When they reached the image of the floating mansion, they realized that it definitely was not the right mansion... on looking through the window to where the foyer should have been, there was a huge landscape resembling Gensokyo...

"Just as I thought! She left a portion of the border where my house was..." Dawitsu declared.

"Yes, and this must be a fake house!" Yutaka added.

"Wait, what?" Ran asked. "Why would Yukari make a fake house?"

"She must have realised how prominent a landmark my house was and knew outside-worlders would get suspicious. Devilishly smart, gotta give her that..." Dawitsu remarked.

Sakuya said, "Well, let's waste no time. Let's go in! The border's probably this door!"

Sakuya opened the door, and floated in no problem. She floated back out, and said, "It is Gensokyo! We found it! I'll see you on the other side!" she proceeded to disappear again, prompting Tomasu to begin his goodbye speech.

"I... guess I'll be seeing you then. Whenever I have the time, I'll come visit you..."

"Perhaps it'd be better if I visit you... I have a lot of time on my hands now..." Dawitsu replied.

"...no, I want to see the world you now live in. It sounds fun. But, feel free to visit me too... you know where I live, and now you know how to get to me... I'm gonna miss you, bro. Don't forget me, now..."

"We wouldn't dare! I've written up so much about you that I could write an article about you!" Aya shouted with pride.

"Really? I never realized I was a developed character... well, I guess this is goodbye. Tell Sakuya it was great to meet her, and... all you guys... Patchy, you're such a smart girl, Ran, chill out for me, don't let this guy work you into the ground. Chen, you're a good girl, and I hope that Father Christmas stops by at Gensokyo some day. Aya... keep writing, and... Suika... uh... you're charming in a... special way."

Suika cheered, "Yay, I'm special!" while 'treading water' in the air.

Dawitsu smiled in a sentimental way, "I'm sorry I didn't visit you sooner. It's been great to see all the family once again. Tell Mum I love her, tell Dad that the spatula-microwave-television is from me, and tell Rowena that I'll try to make it to her birthday party, and I'll dress as a zombie for it..."

"Oh... thanks for seeing me, bro. I like Christmases where the whole family can be around, maybe next year I'll invite the whole lot, eh?"

"Or maybe we can hold the party at mine?" Dawitsu proposed.

Aya was tapping her feet on the... air. "Time is of the essence, guys! Quit the sentiment! Come on!" Aya proceeded to try and open the fake mansion's door, but for whatever reason, couldn't open it.

"Nngh! I'm sure the human opened it with this little effort! What's going on?" Aya said, grunting as she pulled on the door.

Dawitsu became concerned now... and tried opening the door himself, but lo and behold, he couldn't do it either. Something was wrong, seriously wrong at that...

_The other side of the Border, immediately after._

Sakuya was floating aimlessly at the water-like border. She was air-pacing, and it was becoming a tedious wait.

"Just what are they playing at? I guess I'll have to go back out and check..."

"Stop!" a voice of a certain Shrine Maiden shouted. "Where do you think you're going? You can't just go into the outside world without someone to guide you! You don't know what it's like out there!"

"Actually, I've just came back from the outside world..." Sakuya said with pride, "So, yes, I can. Dawitsu took me, and guided me perfectly!"

"Wait, what? Did you say Dawitsu? Is Suika and Aya with him?" Reimu asked.

"Yeah, how did you know that?"

"Well, you see, I saw Aya and Suika when they decided to follow Dawitsu to the outside- I didn't think you had joined him too!"

"Why are you here, anyway? Do you patrol the border or something?" Sakuya understandably asked.

"No... you see, it's about Aya and Suika. Yukari has locked the border..."

"But that's impossible, I went straight through it!"

"...let me finish. Humans are unaffected, she's based it on a Youkai concentration gradient... or so she said. Anyway, Youkai can go out, but not back in- it's a major concern, so I'm just checking to see if there's any way I can alter the border..." Reimu said in a non-urgent tone.

"We need to help them! I can't live without Dawitsu! I'm coming!" Sakuya desperately cried, floating back into the border.

Reimu sighed. The less she knew about Sakuya and her feelings for that dumbass, the better.

_The Outside World, the other side of the border_

Sakuya flusteredly burst out of the mansion door which Suika was trying to open with all her strength, knocking her back about ten metres. She looked worried.

Reimu came floating out after her, looking considerably less worried. Dawitsu was instantly surprised at the presence of the Shrine maiden, but was more concerned about Sakuya.

Sakuya began to gasp and pant, and tried to say something of value. Reimu did the translation.

"I know why you're here. You went out of Gensokyo, but can't get back in, isn't that right?" Reimu stated without feeling.

Dawitsu rubbed his chin, "Yeah, how did you know that?"

"Actually, it was thanks to those two losers there..." Reimu said, gesturing towards Aya and Suika. "I saw them head off after you, and... I got worried when they didn't come back."

"Wait, you got worried?" Suika asked, genuinely flattered.

"Oh, Reimu! You tsundere! I knew you were! Give me a hug!" Dawitsu shouted, proceeding to hug the less-than-approving Shrine Maiden.

"Get off me. I still don't know, and don't care enough to find out, what the meaning of that word is." Reimu floated in utter apathy at Dawitsu's embrace.

"Who's this?" Tomasu asked.

"Reimu Hakurei, a local shrine maiden who deals with incidents in Gensokyo..." Yutaka explained.

"You make it seem like that's all I do!" Reimu defensively said, still being held by Dawitsu. "I said get off me!"

"Is that such a bad thing, Reimu?" Aya asked, looking at her in her half-serious face she made a while ago...

"...I guess not. Now please, get off me." Reimu shook off Dawitsu effortlessly.

"Oh, you Tsundere! So cold, but yet so loving! Anyway, what's the issue?"

"Well, as Sakuya tried to tell you, the Hakurei Border is currently letting Youkai out, but not back in. Humans like us can go anywhere we like. What we need to do is use energy, and it'll transfer all you Youkai against the um... concentration gradient."

"And what energy would that be?" Ran asked. "The Hakurei Border is the greatest semi-permeable border ever to exist!"

"You are correct..." a disembodied voice said. "...my former Shikigami! You know the borders well, don't you!"

Yukari proceeded to appear where the group were stationed. "Oh, what an unfortunate situation. You seem stuck! And guess what? It gets worse! Meet my friend, Chuck Norris!"

Chuck Norris stepped out of a gap, and instantly coped with the fact they were in air, seemingly standing on the air as if it was the ground.

Tomasu was puzzled, "What the hell's going on?"

Dawitsu pointed at Yukari, "I should've known you'd be behind this! What do you want?"

"Well, I figured that... seen as I made a mistake letting you _into _Gensokyo, that I'd rectify the situation by keeping you _out _of Gensokyo..."

Back on the ground, people were cheering at the appearance of Chuck Norris, but the Councillor wasn't too sure this was a magic act any more...

"And, well, now I'll take the opportunity to get rid of you forever..."

Patchouli raised her hand, "You may be powerful, but there's nine of us and two of you."

"Oh, but you don't know Chuck Norris... tell them for yourself, Dawitsu!"

Dawitsu sweat-dropped, "Uh... Chuck Norris is... well, Patchy, you know how I didn't think we'd die on this holiday? Well, perhaps we will..."

Chen picked up on this, and asked Ran, "Are we all going to die? I don't want to die! It's too early! NO!"

Tomasu was not to be defeatist, and said, "Chuck Norris is just a martial artist! He's a human, for crying out loud!"

"Actually, he's a Youkai. He can manipulate everything from Female Fertility to Relativity. Did you know that when he swims in the sea, he doesn't get wet- the sea gets Chuck-Norrised?" Yukari bragged. Chuck Norris himself was quiet. "Okay, Chuck Norris. Kill!"

"There's no way Chuck would agree to this..." Tomasu said with little confidence.

"That's why I planted a floro sprout in his head..." Yukari clicked, and a sprout revealed itself on Chuck Norris' head. "Now, where was I? Oh yeah. Chuck Norris, KILL!"

Chuck proceeded to air-walk towards Dawitsu. Sakuya screamed, "You inhuman monster!" at Yukari, and threw thirty knives at her.

Yukari dodged, but the knives flew past and hit Chuck Norris. He grunted, and turned around to face Sakuya. He charged towards her, ready to roundhouse kick her. But just as he hit, Sakuya transformed into a diamond-woman.

"Sorry, Sakuya, try to keep breathing..." Yutaka mused, manipulating Sakuya's every function in an experimental routine.

Aya, Ran, Suika and Patchouli ganged up on Yukari while Chuck Norris continually tried to destroy the hardest living being in the world- a diamondized Sakuya.

Yukari was trying to multi-task as she dodged the four's incredibly difficult-to-dodge Danmaku moves and shout orders.

"Chuck! Don't focus on the girl! Dawitsu's your target!"

Dawitsu suddenly got a flash of inspiration. He dashed towards Yukari. "Shall we dance, oh beautiful one?" he asked as he stuck to her location, avoiding the combination Danmaku.

Yukari looked at Dawitsu with hatred. "That won't work this time! I'm onto your flattery!"

"Oh, I wasn't intending to compliment... watch out."

Yukari turned from Dawitsu to see the Internet's biggest catchphrase flying towards her. They collided, and Yukari dropped what looked like a seed as she flew backwards. Dawitsu was also affected by the collision, but Chuck Norris was definitely the most affected- his sprout dropped off. Patchouli, Aya, Ran and Suika stopped their Danmaku to observe the effect.

"Huh? What am I doing here?" Chuck asked, but quickly got his bearings and grasped the entire situation fully (he is Chuck Norris after all).

Yukari sweat-dropped. "Oh... hello... Chuck. Long time no see... it's amazing how dinner can turn into... brainwashing... isn't it?"

"This is why you don't have any friends!" Chuck Norris shouted, and 'ran up' for a sidekick.

"STOP! STOP! Chuck, please..."

Chuck decided to be merciful. "Okay. On one condition. Leave that guy who you almost had me kill alone. That's an official decree of Chuck Norris."

Dawitsu suddenly felt a surge of invincibility... Chuck Norris had made an oath that protected him!

"F-fine! Hmph! Reimu, come on, we're leaving!"

"Hey, Yukari, not before altering the border to let these guys through..." Reimu said in a moment of being supportive.

"No! You can't make me!"

"CHUCK NORRIS." Dawitsu declared.

Yukari paused, and relinquished. "FINE! Damn it, follow me..." she said as she opened up a gap.

Tomasu, who had been shielding Chen from harm the whole time, released her, and said, "This time it really is goodbye, huh? Didn't expect it to be that hectic, though. Reminded me a lot of that game you used to play, eh Matt?"

"Yeah... reminded..." Dawitsu awkwardly trailed off in thought. "Look, Tom. I'll see you when I see you. Take care..." Dawitsu hugged his brother, and Chen shouted, "See you, Dawi's brother!"

"See you, Chen... bye, Matt..."

"Goodbye..." Dawitsu finally said.

"Look, get in the gap before I change my..." Yukari tried to say before being throttled by Chuck Norris. After a few screams of protest, he let go. "...whatever. Just hurry up."

"Well, my ride's here. See you..."

So Dawitsu and Chen floated into the gap, not quite trusting the goodwill of the Border Youkai, but entering anyway.

Tomasu floated back down with a forlorn expression, and Yukari asked, "What do you see in that moron?"

"Moron or not, he'll always be my brother..." Tomasu replied, and touched down on the ground after that... interesting farewell. The crowd that had watched cheered as if it was all planned.

"That was such a moving fireworks display! Never before have I seen fireworks displays that not only work at daylight hours, but also have a cast of characters! What's the secret?" an astounded individual asked.

"It's disappeared with that gap..." Tomasu replied.

_So, with that, Dawitsu's holiday was over... but that didn't necessarily mean the story was over yet. Patchouli, Sakuya, Ran, Chen, Suika and Aya could all truly say that they'd had the time of their lives, and it looked as if, with their friendship, their lives would continue to get better. Even Yukari seemed less bitter than she should have been..._

Author's notes: Ah, I've found a way to increase productivity... listen to 'Mystery Time' by Satoru Kousaki while writing and you'll get way more absorbed into the story you're writing. For example, this would have taken me four and a half hours as it's ten pages long, but instead it's taken me just over three hours.

Ooh, how smooth jazz can help you cope with the most absurd of situations. Oh yeah... chilled... smooth...

And unlike portal 2, there's no sudden breaking of the music, just chill. Yeah...

Anyway, I suck at climaxes, I hope this was okay. Writing action is so difficult, I feel like this isn't an amazing job I've done here. And those who do biology will get the title.


	12. 12: Friends with Benefits?

Touhou Doujin: Holiday Edition

**Chapter 12: Friends... with benefits?**

_Dawitsu Mansion, 26th December, Mid-day_

The Dawitsu Mansion was quiet, and everyone dwelling within it was asleep- or so it seemed. But the ever-restless Yutaka Hadekawa was just about stirring, and decided it was time to get up.

Yutaka stretched her arms out, yawned, and put on her trademark loose cloak. Rubbing her eyes, she decided to go downstairs and grab herself some breakfast. Yutaka was shocked to find Ran had long since beaten her to it, however, and was washing plates.

"Ran? What are you doing up so early?"

"It's twelve o'clock. I decided to let Chen sleep in a little later, have some time to myself..."

"Is the Boss awake?"

"I saw him leave the mansion with the human a while ago... about two hours ago to be precise."

"Oh... okay, I'll leave them to it. I'm not sure about the boss... he simultaneously seems desperate for a girlfriend and then not so. What do you think about love, Ran?" Yutaka said as she placed some bread and cheese under the grill.

Ran remained silent. She was quite clearly unwilling to talk about it. Yutaka continued to prod, however.

"What is it? I'm just asking! Okay, I'll try an easier question; Do you believe in love at first sight?"

Ran felt more at ease with this question. "No. I don't."

"I don't either. Love is more complex than that, isn't it? Oh, come on, Ran... elaborate! Loosen up! Discussion and conversation is what makes life worth living!" Yutaka held her covered-up hands in the air.

"Oh... okay. I... guess love can occur between species... but they have to know each other personally before it." Ran slowly built up an opinion on the spot.

"Ah, that's more like it! So, do you think sex is necessary in a romantic relationship?" Yutaka offered Ran another prompt.

"Well, I guess if someone's married to a disabled man, they still are in a romantic relationship, but sex is impossible- they still love each other, don't they? I guess that's a romantic relationship still..."

"I agree, you're a kind-hearted person when you show yourself, aren't you?"

Yutaka and Ran kept discussing love for the duration of Yutaka's breakfast. It was becoming a more heated debate, and eventually they came across points where they disagreed. Ran was thinking it was a pointless game of Yutaka's, but Yutaka was purposefully attempting to open up Ran's heart- to make her more than just a Shikigami.

_The Forest of Magic, about the same time..._

Dawitsu and Sakuya had decided to take a walk. Sakuya insisted on holding Dawitsu's hand the whole way. She was constantly talking about how beautiful and romantic the scenery was, meaning Dawitsu couldn't get a word in edgeways.

Eventually, Dawitsu attempted to get across the point he'd been intending to get across since the start of this walk.

"Dawitsu, what's the matter? You keep just nodding at what I'm saying, you don't seem to be thinking on the present..." Sakuya concernedly said.

"Look... Sakuya, I've been thinking, just not about what you want me to... Sakuya, I'll be honest. What's the point in us being together? Have we done anything as a couple that we couldn't do as friends? Please answer me, because I'm not sure..."

"Well... we haven't yet, but that doesn't mean we... can't..." Sakuya closed in on Dawitsu, lips puckered.

Dawitsu put his hands on her lips before they could touch his. "That's... not what I meant. Look, I just don't think that we... should be together. There's no point. We don't do anything that's uniquely romantic together, and quite frankly, I don't think we ever will..." Dawitsu looked at Sakuya with a face of grave seriousness.

Sakuya didn't want to hear it, "But... we can be boyfriend and girlfriend, can't we? There may be no indication that we are, but there's no indication that we're not, either!" Sakuya started to cry, "You love me, I've read it in your Grimoire! You're attracted to me! You wanted this just as much as I did! You know you did!"

Dawitsu looked down in shame, "I... I know. I am attracted to you. You're beautiful, and nothing will ever change that. You're a wonderful, and kind human being. But, Sakuya... did I ever tell you what happened between me and Yutaka?"

"What..."

"I once wanted Yutaka in that exact same way... but in the end the forged relationship I've had with her hasn't been a romantic one. Do you know why that is?"

"Because she's a lesbian and you're not a girl?" Sakuya answered.

Dawitsu sweat-dropped, laughed it off, and said, "No, I didn't know that back then. Not only that, but I think it's our relationship that turned her off guys anyway... the reason why we are where we are is because romance wasn't a large driving force, even back then. Sure, there were times when I wanted to hold her, kiss her, and tell her I loved her... but after... after I took her to dinner one time, I gave up... you see, we were friends. And friendship is often a more indestructible bond than romance... since I agreed to be your boyfriend, I realised how romance can, in fact, destroy friendships..." 

Sakuya became defensive, "What do you mean? Just because you and I are in love doesn't mean we're not friends!"

"...I didn't say that. Since I... uh... asked you out, you've been clingy and overly possessive of me- a trait you didn't show before that. Now that isn't a pro for a relationship, is it?"

Sakuya screamed, "Well, I'm sorry! I can change! Please, give me another chance!"

Sakuya broke down in tears while saying her last word. Dawitsu took his friend, and hugged her, "It's not only you... I had become complacent in my affection for you- I took you for granted while in this relationship. We're both made worse by this. If I gave you a second chance, you'd have to give me a second chance too. And I'm pretty sure that you don't want injustice done to you again. I find you attractive, you're a wonderful person, and you love me back... on paper, it seems that we're perfect for each other... but together we're totally different people."

Sakuya hiccuped and sniffed, leaning her head on Dawitsu's shoulder, "So... you're saying... that fate's against us?"

"No... not at all. Just that fate has decided that we're better as close friends..." Dawitsu could feel Sakuya's frustration building up.

"Friends... that are attracted to each other? It's not right! It makes no sense." Sakuya pushed herself off of Dawitsu. "Well, fine. But what happens if I die alone? I want to be with someone special before I go..." 

"Ah, well I'm sure you'll find someone. Trust me, someone with your looks can't be overlooked! But... for when times are difficult..." Dawitsu formed a small grin on his face.

"...What? What are you thinking about?"

"Well, seen as we're so into one another, perhaps we can be... friends with benefits?" Dawitsu suddenly burst into uncontrollable laughter. "Sorry, I can't believe I just said that... so how about it?"

"What's... a friend with benefits..."

"Well, let's just say the benefits are... um, private." Dawitsu donned his awkward face. 

Sakuya picked up on the vibe, "Oh, you're having trouble saying the word 'sex' again, aren't you? You want us to have a casual relationship, don't you? You think we're better as friends, but don't want to sacrifice _that _part of a relationship! You're male, through and through, aren't you?"

"Yeah, but tell me with a straight face that it isn't a good idea."

Sakuya couldn't. He had a point. This was the best solution to their problem.

"Now, come on, let's play some Call of Duty together!" Dawitsu said, pointing towards the canopy of the forest of magic, assuming that was the way home.

So the two floated back to the Dawitsu Mansion, leaving the scenery in peace. Behind one rock was a particularly observant crow. It flew away from the scene, and headed towards Youkai mountain. It flew through the window of a certain Tengu's house, and crowed, waiting for an answer.

Aya sang to the crow, "Ah, I knew you'd get me a story!" On listening to the crow calls, she confirmed, "Oh, I say! Really? A celebrity break-up! And it's... between a human and a youkai? Wait, was this Youkai a tengu look-a-like with a blue cloak? It was? Oh, damn it, I vowed not to write about him! Oh well, maybe next time, eh? Okay, go back to the forest of magic and check on the local thief, she'll be doing something interesting!"

The crow immediately flew back out the window. Aya folded her arms in disappointment. "I can't believe that I agreed to that stupid condition..."

_Dawitsu Mansion, Library, twelve-thirty post meridian_

Yutaka and Patchouli were sitting, reading in the library, and occasionally talking.

"So, how did you find Lemony Snicket's books?" Yutaka asked.

Patchouli said, "I found them entertaining, I liked how by The End, the Baudelaires have done several terrible things just to survive, and Count Olaf no longer seems like the concrete villain- it's like morality and story role suddenly becomes grey..."

"That's wonderful! I found the fact that Count Olaf is kind to Kit Snicket in her dying breaths an excellent show of how even a hideous villain can be humane... what do you think of love, Patchy? I was talking with Ran about it before..."

Patchouli blushed. "Well... I... I don't know, what aspect of love?"

Yutaka smiled a genuinely caring smile, "Oh, you're like Ran, you need specificity... okay, how about this? Do you believe everyone has a certain someone for them?"

Patchouli looked downwards in embarrassment. "No... that isn't right."

"What makes you say that?" Yutaka asked, half-trying to keep the mood light.

"Well, no-one's interested in me... and whenever someone shows up, they're always interested in Sakuya instead! Like that Tomasu! All men are the same! There is never one girl for them, so why should there be one guy for us, you know? The thing is, with this imbalance, it always leaves some people... with no-one for them..." Patchouli hid her face in her book.

Yutaka put her arm around Patchy, "Oh, it's like that... look Patchy, there's always a chance. That's how I see it. Love could be right next to you for all you know, you just need to find it."

"What are you implying?" Patchouli asked, suddenly turning her head towards Yutaka.

Yutaka sweat-dropped, "I'm... implying nothing. I'm just saying don't give up... and maybe don't just limit yourself to... uh, one gender..." Yutaka suddenly realized how hard it is to get across to someone how you feel- that's how Dawitsu must have felt that one time...

"Are you sure you're not implying anything, because I swear you're hitting on me..." Patchouli replied, withdrawing from Yutaka.

Suddenly the sound of a door opening was heard downstairs, and Yutaka took the opportunity to flee. "Oh, that must be the Boss! I'll go see him for a bit, you coming?"

"I think I might..."

"...stay in here? Good, I'll see you later then, huh?" Yutaka then sped off into the nearest lift. Patchouli stared at the lift doors as they closed, stayed closed momentarily, then reopened, Yutaka embarrassed at the fact she'd gone in the wrong lift, then she ran to the correct lift just in time.

Surely enough, the door opening was Dawitsu, and Yutaka ran up to her Boss, flustered and red in the face. "H-hello, Boss... what have you and Sakuya been up to?"

"Are you okay, Yutaka?" Dawitsu asked.

Yutaka sweat-dropped, "J-just fine, Boss. Say, can I talk to you for a minute?"

Sakuya replied, "Are you sure there's nothing wrong? You seem like you're running away from something."

"You could say that... uh, Boss, now, in private, please..." Yutaka was frantically gesturing at the kitchen.

Dawitsu rolled his eyes. "Okay... uh, Sakuya, start up the Xbox, I'll be there in a moment."

Sakuya nodded, and laughed as she winked at Dawitsu when she slipped out of Yutaka's view.

"So, what's up, Yutaka?"

"Well, you know how you once... liked me in that way?" Yutaka was adopting various awkward body language positions, shifting from to the other uneasily.

Dawitsu had never seen his Shikigami so skittish, "Yeah..."

"Well... you struggled trying to tell me as well, right?"

Dawitsu decided to go for the easiest response once again, "Yeah..."

"Well... I wanted to tell Patchouli how I feel, and now I've tried, failed, and don't know what to do from here! Help me, please!"

Dawitsu stifled a giggle. Yutaka's face turned stern, "Are you laughing at me?"

"No, it's just that I knew you liked her... of course I'll help out the best I can. But what makes you think I'll have any better understanding of Patchouli than you?"

"I don't know! But, do you have any suggestions?"

"You could try talking to her while reading a book with her... it's how you hit it off, remember?"

Yutaka threw her arms down in despondency, "I tried that! Now I've messed up! What do I do?"

"I know, how about this? I'll ask her to stick around for tea, and then I'll set up things so that you two can be alone... in fact, why not do that now? Sakuya wants me to play Call of Duty with her, so it'll work out well. I'll call her down, you make the tea."

Yutaka saluted her boss, "Yes, sir!"

Dawitsu took the 'fun route' through his mansion, and placed his copy of 'The Disappearance of Haruhi Suzumiya' in the glass case on his 'Animé Gallery', and finally reached the library.

"Hey, Patchouli, Yutaka's made some tea, do you want to come down and have some? It's simply delicious..." Dawitsu said to the lost-in-reading Patchouli, making her jump.

"Huh? Tea? Okay, but only if you're around with us... Yutaka's been acting weird today, hope it's nothing I said..." Patchouli answered.

"I assure you it won't be. Anyway, you want some tea?" Dawitsu reiterated.

"Sure."

So after taking the master lift together to the foyer, Dawitsu sat down on the foyer sofa opposite to Yutaka, gesturing to Patchouli to sit next to Yutaka.

"Oh! I forgot... Patchy, I'm sorry, I'll have to leave for a moment, Sakuya wants to play Modern Warfare Three with me. See you, hopefully Yutaka is enough company for you..." Dawitsu excused himself with next to no subtlety.

Yutaka waited for Dawitsu to leave, and then poured Patchouli a cup of Green Tea. "Here you go. Green Tea's good for the circulatory system, you know..."

"I know... look, Yutaka, what's wrong? You were talking all about love, then you were all apologetic when I said about how I'm never going to find love... why are you being so weird? If you think I'm pathetic, you can just say it, you don't have to pretend to try and solve my problem..." Patchouli was becoming increasingly depressed with herself.

Yutaka had planned a speech in her head, but suddenly it disappeared, because the context was all wrong... she was hoping Patchouli would blame her for the awkwardness. So instead she blurted out an incoherent barrage of feelings.

"No! That's not it at all! I think you're great! You've got real pretty eyes! And your fashion sense is incredible! It's a miracle you haven't found love already!" Yutaka suddenly snapped back into a logical state of mind and stopped herself saying anything more.

"How is it a miracle? If I'm as good as you say I am, how come no-one's with me? It's a curse, not a miracle."

Just then, a spark a romantic dialogue formed itself in Yutaka's head. "That's where you're wrong, Patchy. See, it's a miracle, because it means I'm lucky enough to have a chance with you..." Yutaka said her self-perceived brilliant line in a caring, suave way.

Patchouli suddenly gasped... she didn't know what to say. Shock overcame her, and she began to hyperventilate, to the point where she was wheezing.

"W-wait! Patchy, what's wrong?"

"As...thma..." Patchouli struggled to say.

"Oh God! Uh... Boss! Boss! Where are you?" Yutaka panicked as Patchouli collapsed. This was going horribly wrong.

"Don't worry, Patchy, I'll save you!" Yutaka said, realising her Boss was not going to help out. She quickly grabbed her tea-cup and formed it into a device known by outside-worlders as an inhaler. She placed the object in Patchouli's mouth, and pressed the end.

"Breath in, Patchy..." Yutaka calmly said.

Patchouli did just so. Yutaka pressed the end again. "Breath in again..."

After inhaling, she stopped wheezing, and mused, "Thank you, Yutaka... I've never had help like that for my asthma... usually they just leave me to it, but that really worked..."

Yutaka exhaled a huge breath of relief. "I'm glad you're okay, Patchy..."

"I know you are... what was that about having a chance with me?" Patchy smiled, causing Yutaka to fidget.

"I... I'm sorry, I was an idiot, forget I said anything..."

"No, I... kind of like you too. I just never thought you were interested that way, so I didn't do anything about it..."

"What? Really? Oh, Patchy!" Yutaka hugged Patchouli, despite the fact she was on the floor. "Okay, can we go upstairs and tell the boss? I'm sure he'll be happy for us!"

And so, Yutaka and Patchy rushed upstairs, and went towards Dawitsu's bedroom (where the Xbox was stationed) and opened the door. They then looked at something they themselves couldn't quite believe...

Dawitsu and Sakuya were in bed together, and Dawitsu held a duvet cover over Sakuya's chest, exposing his in its entirety. They were paused, awkwardly, and Yutaka stared at Dawitsu in a mixture of horror and hilarity. Suddenly Chen's voice called from along the hallway "Dawi! I've gotten up now!"

Before Chen could get to the bedroom, Yutaka closed the door as quickly as possible and turned Chen's eyes away from the bedroom, leaving Patchouli to stare at the two.

"Hmm, what happened here? Yutaka said you were playing video games..."

"One thing led to another!" Dawitsu exclaimed.

"Get out and leave us alone!" Sakuya yelled. Patchouli nodded and dashed out as quickly as possible, closing the door behind her.

Chen was curious, "What's going on? Is Dawi sick? Is he sleeping?"

Yutaka was trying her best to make her lose interest, "Chen, the Boss and Sakuya are spending a little time alone. They're probably doing boring work together or something, but they can't be distracted..."

Patchouli tried to add to the excuse, "Yes, they're very... uh, busy. Come on, Chen, Ran's waiting for you downstairs..."

Ran appeared in the hallway upon mentioning, "No, I'm not. But, Chen, I do command you not to disturb my Master. He's dealing with some very important issues at the moment, and you wouldn't want to get punished by him, would you?"

"Dawi wouldn't punish me! Maybe I can help him with his work... I'll just check..." Chen replied, walking towards the bedroom door and turning the handle.

Patchouli, Ran, and Yutaka, all in a fluster, shouted a great simultaneous "NOOOOO!"

_And so, once again, a chapter of life in (and out of) Gensokyo has come to halt. I'll leave it to you to figure out what they did after Chen walked in, but one thing was for sure... Chen was about to learn a whole lot more about where babies come from..._

Author's Notes: And on that bombshell, this story is complete! Finished! Done! Unless you request another chapter to answer any unanswered questions... I think I've addressed anything you readers may want, but then again, perhaps not... just review, k? This is the final chapter!

I love writing, it's a real shame, but all stories have to end. Except for the NEVER-ENDING STOOOORYYYYYYYYYYYYY!

How I love all you guys who read! You make my day! Beautiful, star-ridden hallucinations fill my head when you review... that, and when I take LSD. So you reviewing saves me money!

Acid be expensive, ye ken?

Seriously, though, I'm satisfied with this book, I managed to pull off romance in a light-hearted, semi-realistic manner, and told an entertaining, funny story on the whole. Sure, there are some bits even I find boring, but this is one of my best works yet.

Good job, me! Wait, should I be doing this? How arrogant am I? Wow, I really am like Dawitsu, aren't I?

Centuries later, this set of Author's notes may end... but YES! Success! Bitter-sweet endings, I love thee! I don't want to stop writing, yet I feel complete. What a mixture of feelings! Oh, Yutaka, Dawitsu, Tomasu, I'll hug you, and bid farewell. You were good OCs. 'Til we meet again.

We'll... meet again... don't know where... don't know when... but I know... we'll meet again, some sunny day...

Gah, okay, Matt, pull yourself together (slaps self). We're ending this set of notes now. Oh, thank you! Thank you, all you reviewers! TheKindlyHater, Ban3, Demon Neko Shen, and of course Metroid Life should all give yourself a big hug from me!

That sounded creepy. Okay, goodbye now. See ya. Bye. You hang up! No you hang up! No, _you _hang up. Goodbye.


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